FROM THE ARCHIVES OF VICE: OUR FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH ANDREW WK

Way back in 2000, a hopelessly young, pre-white-jeans Andrew WK wrote an article for us on the three principal elements of good times. We were so psyched about what he gave us and his whole vibe in general we decided to make him Vice's first--and so far only--cover-star musician (that one with Michael Jackson and Dave Navarro doesn't count as we were just foolin'). Here's what he wrote, you'll find it rings just as true as it did in those heady days of pre-millenial innocence...

MUSIC, PARTYING, AND LOVE - THE HOLY TRINITY OF RAISING HELL

In the same way Oasis were the composite of every British band ever made, Andrew WK is a musicfication of all American rocker--always, everywhere. His shows tear the place down every time and, even though it's just him, a microphone and a CD of himself playing every instrument, the crowd goes nuts. In a few short weeks he's gone from burnt out, speed metal drummer living in the ugliest part of Brooklyn to fancy pants, high-art legend being flown first class all over the world. The best thing about this one man, pop/metal band is that he is the real deal. The real rocking out, partying hard, getting laid deal. Here's how he does it.

MUSIC

So, like, dudes!!! How awesome is music??? Like, ALL music!!! Music is what makes your fucking world go 'round! Music is what cheers you up when your girlfriend sucks!!! Music is what keeps you going when EVERYTHING sucks!!! You know?

I mean, let's say you have this one favorite band, and, like, all of their music is your favorite shit! Like, you know every song, all the words, everything about the band… you LOVE them!!! One day you hear that they're coming into town and they're going to play this big concert, you know? So like, you're super excited and you immediately slam down your $25 to see this group!

So like, the concert night is slowly approaching and every day you're thinking about how awesome it's going to be! I mean, this is, like, YOUR FAVORITE BAND!!! You know? So finally after three weeks of waiting, it's concert night! You get out of work early and head out to your friend's house to get ready for the show! Your friend is excited too, but not quite as excited as you, because, like, this is your favorite band and you've never seen them in concert before!

So like, there is a feeling of fucking in the air as the two of you drive out to the concert! You've got a mix tape of the band's best songs playing on the car stereo and you can hardly wait to get to the fucking place! Finally you pull into the parking lot! There are tons of other cars pulling in too, and you have trouble finding a parking space, but finally you get one near the end of the lot! You jump out of the car and start high-tailing it to the fucking entrance!

It's awesome cuz as you're running you can hear other people's stereos playing the band's songs, and other people talking about how awesome the band was the last time they played!!! You can hardly wait to get into the fucking place, and after about ten minutes of waiting in line you finally get to the main concert space!!! AWESOME!!!

The excitement is at a blistering level now! There is an opening band playing, but nobody really cares about them… YOU JUST WANT TO SEE THE MAIN ACT!!! THE BAND YOU CAME TO SEE!!! So finally the opening band packs up their shit and the stage is set for the headliner… There's a shit-load of tension and the crowd can hardly contain themselves!!! All of a sudden the house lights go down and the band comes out!!! IT'S INSANE!!! They rip into your favorite song right off the bat!!! You completely lose your shit and start dancing around like a fucking madman, but it rules cuz, like, everyone else is going nuts too!!!

You go to a fucking music show to tear shit up and dance the fucking world into pieces!!! So, like, don't go to a show and like get pissed off because some awesome dude is acting like an idiot and running circles around you and your lame-ass, gay-ass friends while you stand there "trying to enjoy the music." FUCK THAT SHIT!!! I hope you get slam-danced into your grave you tired old soft-boy!!! LET'S GET A PARTY GOING!!! Every fucking show should be a fucking party!!!

PARTYING

When I say the word party, I don't mean your fucking 12-year-old nephew's gay-ass birthday bash… I MEAN A FUCKING PARTY!!! I want to see people losing their shit!!! Let's have fucking ten punk bands, ten hip hop DJs, and ten auctioneers (you know, the fast talkers), and let's have them all do their shit ALL AT ONCE!!! So, like, it should be, like, total chaos!!

Every great chaos-killer party should be, like, the fucking party they would have on December 31, 9999! You know what I mean?? Can you imagine the fucking vibe at that party? IT WOULD BE A FUCKING MIND-BENDING, EAR-BLASTING, CUM-DRINKING, STOMACH-CHURNING SKULL FUCK!!!!! Think of the fucking "rollover" on that night… from 9999 to what? 10,000!!! So, like, every fucking party should be like a New Year's Eve party for the year 9999! Just get a whole bunch of people together and lock them in your grandparents' basement, start blasting some music, and POW!!! It's like
World War III!!!!

Get some black people, some white people, and some, like, total weird dude and make them all start fighting. Eventually they'll all get tired, so, like, have them bundle up in a blanket and roll around for a while!!! You know! And, like, everyone else should keep rolling them around for a while!!! You know! And, like, everyone else should keep rolling them around the room and, like, splashing water on them and blowing air-horns in their ears and stuff!!! And then, like, totally start playing music really loud and, like, running around and totally, like, breaking everything in sight and, like, just, like, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS!!! You know??? IT'S TIME TO PARTY!!!

Cuz life's too short. Like, I once read about this weird old woman who, like, had one true dream in life… and that dream was to have sex with a salmon fish. She bought a live salmon at a fish market, you know, and, like, took it home to have sex with it. This is where it gets weird, cuz like she was lying in the bathtub, and, like, had the fish swim into her (where it counts). Then she, like, held it in there and, like, poked its eyes and shit so that it would wiggle all around and give her the pleasure she was looking for!!!

But she ended up dying from it cuz she bought a bad fish. The fish was infested with some kind of shrimp eggs and they got inside of her and grew up into shrimps and then she died because of it… But, hey, I mean, it's, like, totally gross to you and me, but, like, this is what this woman really liked to do… and she did it ‘til death!!!

Like, if you try having sex with a salmon-fish and you get all fucked up and you end up dead with a fucking pussy full of shrimp, then at least you can look back at it all and think, "At least I tried all the stuff that I wanted to try…" and you can be happy. But if you go through your whole life, like, all unsatisfied and all wound up, then you'll go to the grave and be all stressed out and unfulfilled. You know? LIFE is simply TOO SHORT!!!

It's a damn shame that we can't live forever, but if we did live forever imagine if you always saved your cum!!! You know??? Like a big bottle with a vacuum top so that it wouldn't dry out. You would have like gallons and gallons!!! And think of how much someone would have to pay you to drink it all!!! Actually, you could make a living off of it!!!

LOVE

Dude, like, love is the total deal!!! It's the all-around package! Everything comes back to love! Music and love go hand in hand I think! Like, you love your parents (even if they suck), or you love your friends, or you love your girlfriend, or, like, you love your pet!!! You know? Like, a cool pet is, like, what… a dog? Fuck that shit, man, how about a fucking baby rabbit, man… how totally awesome are baby rabbits? Dude, is that gay? I'm telling you, anyone in their right mind cannot deny that pets are fucking cool. Like, fish, dogs, spiders, lizards, birds, baby rabbits, mice, and rats… you know?

Like, remember the first time you thought you were in love? It was like, "No way!!" But the other person was totally into you, you know? How awesome was that day!!!??? Nothing else in the world mattered cuz, like, you had this totally hot babe that was all into you and it just made your fucking life into the world's own joy!!! You know? And how cool is Girls' Own Juice too? Like, remember the first time you discovered that shit!!!??? When she cums she really comes into your world. That much we all know!!! She gets what she wants, she gets what she needs, I get what I need… I need your love. Dude, love rules!!!
ANDREW WK

Comments

[soapy dick]

http://awilkeskrier.homestead.com/

[readytodie]

I would very much like a copy of the issue that came out of. How much would one go?

[Todd Tucker]

when you gonna make another show?