SCREW MADE YOU

Thank JayCrayCray the 70's were so sleazy, fun, and depraved. If you've ever tried to grab a quick minute and shamelessly rummage through poor old mom and dad's stuff, chances are you have been gifted with at least one gloriously lewd, hairy, drugged-out sex artifact. You might find a decrepit half-joint in a John Denver album or one of those really giant, really loud-ass old vibrators that (compared to my glittery jelly purple device from Spencer's gifts) looks like a scary white truncheon made of a whale jaw. But thanks to my Dad's healthy sexual Scorpio curiosity, ransacking his attic recently was a historical adventure into the 70's when almost everybody was attending viewings of Deep Throat. I exhumed a dusty treasure stack of disintegrating Screw newsprint magazines that totally made the Playboy stack nearby look like a bunch of Newport News catalogs!

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GERMANY - CRACKLING SCULPTURES

If it’s possible to make some humans look like grotesque pigs with the help of plastic surgery, why shouldn’t we do it the other way around and turn pigs into grotesque humans? Brazilian artist Zé Carlos Garcia constructs such things, along with super-insects, four-legged animals with wings, Carnival trucks, and a whole bunch of other things.

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CANBERRA - PARLIAMENT HOUSE GETS A MASS EXORCISM

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MASANOBU SATO IS A WORLD CLASS WANKER

Who cares about the Olympics anyway? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the "natural" high brought on from running ten kilometers a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn't leave your legs feeling like they've been twatted with a pool ball in a sock for five hours? We're talking about San Francisco's annual Masturbate-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots. There are prizes in different categories, from "Longest Squirt" to "Most Orgasms," but the real sportsmen are found in the "longest time spent masturbating" event. Fuck long distance running, this is a solid-gold endurance event. Holder of the title for the last two years is Masanobu Sato, a worker at Japanese sex toy manufacturer Tenga, who this year beat his previous record, coming in (ha) at NINE HOURS AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES. We got in touch with Masanobu to find out exactly how he lasted so long.  

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AUSTRALIA - CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

Remember those little books that let you decide what path of action the hero took? They were always about space, dragons, spies and such. My favourite was about a device that turned you invisible and for some reason the would always deliberately end up visible, naked and locked out of his house.

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MELBOURNE - RUINS TO PLAY FORUM TONIGHT

The grim lords of Tasmania, better known as Ruins (not be confused with the Japanese band of the same name) have been creating a dark cloud of fierce black metal for well over 10 years now. They share members with technical death metal gods Psycroptic and have had album covers designed by Lorenzo Mariani, better known for his work with Darkthrone. With a new album out and world domination on the horizon, Alex Pope sheds some light on the morbid creation he calls Ruins.

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FOUR BOOKS THAT WILL MESS UP YOUR CHILDREN

Sexual education books are hardly necessary anymore: the internet will teach kids everything they need to know, and usually even more (DVDA, look it up!). But the funny thing is that some sex-ed books that were published in the last century can’t have helped any children at all to grow into sexually healthy adults. We know this because we met Jasper Smit recently, a Dutch comedian with one of the biggest collections of sex-ed books in Holland. And because we’re a bunch of rotten dirtbags, we immediately asked him for the nastiest things in his possession. “Most of the books we have are neet and sweet and give you decent advice, like that you shouldn’t have sex with someone if you don’t like the other person”, Jasper said. “But then I also have these books that will make them scared to death of masturbation and fill them with a lifelong repulsion of everything that has to do with sex.” We yelled at him to show us. And he did. Kids, shield your eyes--some stuff's ahead.

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MALE-ON-MALE BLOWJOBS ARE NO LONGER GAY

It used to be my one and only holy idol of all times was John Galliano, the charismatic, long-haired Ultra Gay with spray tanned fashion pecks. I cut every single photo of his shows out of the stacks of fashion magazines my mum got me and stuck them on my wall and in my scrapbooks. I thought it all looked "absolutely fabulous!" However, having seen his latest collection on the last Paris fashion week, I found myself just plain saddened and disappointed.

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