NEW YORK – HOW TO MAKE A PLAYLIST FOR A GIRL

First of all, making a mix for a girl you don’t know that well or for a girl that dumped you is the worst thing you can do. She will be lying in bed with the guy she really likes and they will both laugh their heads off at you for putting U2 on there. You can only make a playlist for a girl that you have fucked more than twice and she has to have thoroughly enjoyed herself both times (so, if you had trouble getting it up the first time then it doesn’t count and your “two times” has to start on the second lay).
Anyway, so you have a girl and she likes you and she hopes you like her too. Time to make a mix. Here’s how it goes…

TV Theme – King of Queens
Start it out with  an inside joke. David Brent songs are super easy to dig up on Limewire. There’s also a good answering machine message by George Costanza. Pick a show or a movie you both like and start it off.

Hate Song – Daniel Johnston
You don’t really hate her. This is just a funny way to show you’re not obsessed with her and can still fuck around. Besides, putting Daniel Johnston in there shows you’re sensitive and not a bully. Another good fake “hate you” song is “Never Talking to You Again” by Hüsker Dü. Oh, “World Shut Your Mouth” by Julian Cope is good too. They love that 80s Britpop shit.

Inflammatory Writ – Joanna Newsom
If you guys had a daughter together you’d want her to be Joanna Newsom, a smart, weird, hippy chick, that can play the fucking harp for chrissakes. This is a good example of showing restraint too. This is a mix for a GIRL remember. No matter how badly you want to put Against Me! on there you have to fight it.

Neighborhood #1 – Arcade Fire
Boys aren’t allowed to like “cool” bands like Hot Hot Heat and Arcade Fire anymore but girls will like them forever. Shit, they still like Jane’s Addiction (they have Nothing’s Shocking on cassette). This song’s a creeper and it’s a good way to get out of the piano solo singer stuff we’ve had so far.

Sweetest Thing – U2
Making a mix for a girl is easy because you can choose from any era, any genre, any country. All it has to be is funny or poppy or even sad and you’re off to the races. Even though this was a top-10 hit she still loves it and will be humming it for hours after she’s done listening to it.

This Town – Hot Hot Heat
Can you believe you’re getting away with Hot Hot Heat? Lesbians may have a lot of rules but straight girls have only one: no hardcore. That’s easy enough. “This Town” helps keep the uppity tempo you started with “Sweetest Thing” which is a tough act to follow.

Get Over You – The Undertones
Not positive if this is as snappy as the previous two but it’s got great lyrics. “Dressed like that you must be living in a different world” is a great compliment because it’s like you can’t get over her outfit. That’s a good come on because it’s not too heavy and it gets the horniness in there without being creepy.

Johnny Come Lately – Pogues and Steve Earle
Women love the Pogues because of that Fairy Tale in New York song where Shane McGowan and Kirsty MacColl argue about how much they love each other. You’ve been keeping the happy tone going for a while now so after this it’s time to mellow out.

Fuck it Up – Towers of London
Acoustic songs by otherwise pretty raucous bands are a good way to put soft music on there without looking like a homo. We do this later with Pete Doherty. This follows the Pogues well because there’s a banjo in it.

Living on a Thin Line – The Kinks
Girls first heard this song on The Sopranos and now they love it. Ideally playlist vibes come in groups of three. This is your second slow song so one more and we’re out.

Never Went to Church – The Streets
Tearjerker alert! This song is so fucking sad it’s hard to even write about without bawling. It’s Mike Skinner talking about how much he misses his dead dad and the way he notices himself saying “-but” and interrupting people the same way his dad did. Congratulations, you just made her cry.

When You Wasn’t Famous – Professor Green
Unlike “Never Went to Church,” girls HATE “When You Wasn’t Famous.” They hate the chorus and they’re not into hearing about a guy who gets laid a lot. This is kind of a piss take on the song so it’s good to squeeze it in there because it’s a fucking catchy song that shouldn’t be ignored. You just made a smooth transition into danceable hits by the way because these two songs both have Skinner in them.

22 Grand Job – Rakes vs. Statik
Mash ups are fucking gay but this isn’t really a mash up. It’s a Bloc Party chorus with a grime MC doing the verses. Fucking awesome and it’s so out there it makes you look international.

Fiddle With the Volume – Ghislain Poirier
Remixes are great for these things because she’s already heard the original “Fiddle With the Volume” a million times. This version is chest rattling because the base is magnified about 80 times. It’s about as intense as a playlist gets and we’re going to spend the next 13 minutes trying to tastefully come down from it.

Sorry – Pet Shop Boys
Madonna is a must for every girl mix. They love “Crazy” and there’s a weird remix of it that has Ozzy doing “Crazy Train” but we put this one on because girls are fucking addicted to her new album. Again, you have to do a remix because she’s been listening to the originals non-stop.

Satu#8364 – Diamond Nights
We’re not sure what this song is called or even if we’re supposed to have it. It’s a dance remix of that Diamond Nights song where he goes, “Fuck the inclement weather.” Girls love them because of that “The girl is attractive” song and this dance remix is heavy shit. It also blends seamlessly with the Madonna remix because they use the same high hats.

Gone Daddy Gone – Gnarles Barkley
It seems like Danger Mouse (the guy who mashed up Jay Z and The Beatles) and Cee-Lo (the Goodie Mob crooner) sat down with their accountants and said, “How can we go for that elusive girl dollar” because this shit is like catnip to them. They didn’t even do anything to this Violent Femmes classic. They just fucking played it and—don’t ask us why—the ladies fell in love. This is also a good way to leave the dance stuff you’ve been hammering her with.

Stumped – Minor Threat
We know we said no hardcore but this is an exception. It starts out real slow so she can casually walk off the dance floor you provided and gather her thoughts before being introduced to the guitar lounge.

The Witch – The Sonics
This kind of breaks the rules again. The Sonics are about as dude as bands get but holy fuck do they ever rock. Can you imagine what it must have been like seeing them back in the 60s? They sound punk rock today, but 40 years ago!? People we’re having a cow when Bill Haley played and he sounds like fucking Paul Anka. What a band. Anyway…

I’m Free – The Who
OK we’re winding down now. This is a stick in your head nice song that makes her feel good and helps lessen the sting of coming to the end.

Dirty Hands – Black Lips
This may well be the greatest band in the world right now. This is their one slow song and it sounds like the Crystals or the Shangri-las or something (ooh, they’re good too. You should always have some of that “He’s a Rebel” kind of shit in there because it’s corny and romantic). This song has a great part where he goes, “Me and Bobby went to the beach this summer. We built castles in the sand and smoked dope by the water. Then I got tattoo of a dolphin on my belly button and Bobby got a tattoo of that says Panama City Beach 3003.” Then it’s like, “We’ll be together, forever, I’m wearing leather, h-a-a-a-a-ands. Do you really want to hold my dirty ha-a-a-a-ands?”

I Love You – Babyshambles
Girls love Pete Doherty because they love Kate Moss. This one goes, “…and she said, ‘Oh, you, you’re green. You don’t know what love means.’” Which makes her think you two are going to be a troubled romance everyone cares about like Kate and Pete.

That’s it. You’re done. This doesn’t fit on a CD so you may have to load it up on her computer as a big file, drag it into her iTunes and put all the songs in the right order. Then just leave it there. Don’t’ force it on her. “Did you listen to my mix yet” is the kiss of death for any playlist. That’s like asking, “Did you enjoy the lovemaking last night?” If you force her to listen to it she’s not going to hear the whole thing at once and she’s going to stop at Lady Sovereign and think you made her some crazy dance party mix. If you let her choose her moment she’ll hear the whole thing while shopping for clothes or something and it will get her undivided attention—and you know what that means, 1.2 hours of thinking about you. Good luck!

 

Comments

[um]

ah you almost tricked me! but this is totaly The Vice Guide to Making Sure you Never get Laid by That Girl Again, right? right?

[lady maracas]

what the fuck I'm a girl and i couldn't even finish reading this bullshit! who the fuck wrote this- who did they write it for?! Goddammit this guy talks to girls FUCK HIM! This IS a joke? This is a joke, ha ha fuckface w/ no taste.

[.]

They're just pushing their own acts. Thinly-veiled, at that.

[hank]

seems pretty good to me im making one for a girl right now and totally forgot about the undertones good call

[Sky McDougal]

Girls read VICE?? Awesome

[PETE!]

thats a good ass babyshambles song, one of the 2 known to man, the other being Gang of Gin

If I was the girl you fucked twice and you made this for me, I'd take a shower to scrub you off me and I would never talk to you again. Knobhead.

just terrible.

[I love this list]

but i can't find a lot of those songs. What's the Diamond Nights one really called? ANd who's the idiot that said it's a thinly veiled shill? As far as I can see The Streets is the only vice artist on that list.
It's true that girls are rarely music snobs and when they're cleaning up the house and dancing around they just want to hear the hits. They also will play the same song ten times in a row.

[bad taste]

You know it's B.S. when U2 shows up.

[Kris]

Other songs good for a chick mix =
THE CLASH - this is england
THE ZOMBIES - this will be our year
DONOVAN - catch the wind
DURAN DURAN - girls on film
NEW YORK DOLLS - trash
THE SKIDS - into the valley

They also love MISS THING and MIA

[Space Cowboy]

The Diamond NIghts song is called "Saturday Fantastic - Space Cowboy remix." I made it and didn't give it to anyone. How the fuck did you get it?

[eddie van halen]

if you really want to impress your girlfriend, start a band and write songs for her

mix cd's only work for a little while and they always backfire because of the dilemma described in the first paragraph

if your girlfriend doesn't like your band or the song, don't worry, rock stars are chick magnets, you'll have a hundred girlfriends in no time

[Greg T]

Your Mix sucks fucking ass, VICE. And you tore apart that dude who submitted a mix with his resume. both of your mixes suck. bitches.

[Yara]

I am a girl and I would love a guy to give this to me. When ever boys make me a mix it sounds like they made it for themselves or they wanted to impress me by being weird. These are songs that I would actually like (though I've never heard of The Sonics or Black Lips).

[ron]

what about a foreign tune? like ta douleur?

this list is biased. its clearly for the alternative woman. what about others that appreciate backstreet boys and blink 182?.... wait, those girls are fucked. forget what i said.

[Nice one NY]

Terrible. Truly terrible.
I thought the whole idea of mixtapes for girls was to come on too strong to test the waters, either she'll think you're a psycho or she'll be so into you that she'll let you stick it in her bum. Potentially both.
Way to, "maintain our level of friendship without crossing the boundaries and making shit all weird between us".

[U.R. Lame]

'22 Grand Job' by The Rakes and Statik is a Bloc Party chorus with a grime MC doing the verses. Think about that...

[t-snizz]

wait to work the babyshambles in there. chicks dig pete doherty for reasons no man will ever understand. i'd maybe even let the dude who wrote this stick it in my bum. wait..i would, but i only because i roll like that. what about modest mouse though? they have the hard and soft, just the way girls like it. truckers atlas? it's long and fantabulous to screw to.

[eduardo]

man, fuck you.

[you dumb twat]

What the fuck is this!? I'm truly outraged. This is the most limp-dicked, Hi-Fidelity, no girl you've fucked could possibly care playlist I've ever seen. In fact the idea that you need a playlist after you've fucked her twice - or need one at all - is suspect. You give mix CDs in highschool. Maybe the first two years of college. After that, she picks her own shit and you, if you're a record nerd, simply fill in the blank spaces with random nerdery that she will approve of. None of this OC bullshit. Make a mix you can fuck to. This is some laundry day bullshit she should already have covered.

[Borbetomagus]

mixs shoud only be 4 songs maximum.

[cunts]

fuck you, vice. you championed this whole ironic subculture, spent too much time off the dancefloor making fun of people's outfits and drinking shitty beer, drinking it ironically, and now you're all by yourself fucking trying to spot the next hot new band before it even fucking forms, so you can say you knew them when nobody went to their "shows". fucking chuck-taylor wearing cocksuckers.
time to take some drugs and get out on the dancefloor and quit trying to be so goddamn cool, because this is the pitiful end result. A bunch of thirtysomething assholes calling each other "girls" and "boys", pouting, and spending a lot of time trying to come up with a creative outfit from the goddamn salvation army. you know what would be really creative right now? If you instituted a mandatory business-casual dress code at the Vice offices and all you sorry fucks started wearing loose khakis from Banana Republic and stretch poplin button-downs.

[Poof alert]

This mix is for your homo lover

[Kim Kim]

Such vitrol. I guess it's because men post on the internet more than women do. I think this mix rules and the things they say about us are kinda true. i do like Jane's Addiction still.