NEW YORK - CROM FEEDS US LIES

Crom is an L.A.-based collection of metal-liking miscreants who have been playing shows in between benders for what seems like decades. It’s hard to tell if they are joking, or just a sample-happy riff collective with better record collections than you. We tried to ask them some basic questions about what their deal is and this is what happened:

You guys are kind of old. How long have you been playing together?
Waaaaaay too fucking long, like 10 or 13 years or some shit. I don’t know, it seems like for-fucking-ever though. It’s always a relevant thing going on, but it’s taken many fucking forms. Right now it couldn’t be more gay.

How did it start?
The genesis of this band was just friends gaying off. One of the guys happens to be obsessed with the Conan films. He’s the strongest of the bunch at the same time, so, kinda like, whatever he says, y’know?

For those not-nerds, where did the band name come from?
Actually we used to be called Corm. We found out there was a band out of Idaho and Buenos Aires called Corm so we changed the name. We just switched a couple of letters. It actually has nothing to do with anything. We just made it up ourselves.

Well, that’s not true. Let’s try a fill in the blank, it’s easier. For the unassociated: Crom is a shitty band. We sound like garbage.

Not much better. Speaking of the unassociated, who the hell are the associated? In other words, the average person at a Crom show is…
Fat kids, the associated press, train-jumping crusties, nothing worth fucking, and the spirit of beerwolf.

Dude, come on.
I know this sounds like a joke, but it’s totally fucking true.

Okaaay. Does that stuff matter then? Is there a difference for y’all playing on a stage in front of a couple hundred folks vs. in some shit bar in front of 15? Which is preferable?
At this point we’ll open up for Michael Richards at the Laugh Factory and play the soundtrack to Apocalypto for three beers and a key bump. This was also a serious answer.

How does song writing work?
Actually, we start with too many fucking jokes. It pretty much has to be talked about endlessly before we actually get around to putting it down. These jokes get too out of control—there are so many that we need to really strategize and figure out which go where, and so on.

So there are obviously some very familiar riffs in the songs. How much of it is an “homage to” vs. a “parody of” metal?
Well, I would say yes, we do a lot of “hat tipping” as it were in the direction of our interests. But we aren’t really parodying anyone. On the new record, Hot Sumerian Nights, we actually wrote stuff in the vein of our current interests (which are usually quite outmoded, but again, we are old). We didn’t just steal a bunch of shit like usual—we know what we’re doing. Don’t worry though, there are still some very involved jokes in there, we just got a lot better at translating them. Now our timing is perfect. We’re fucking Seinfeld.

How do you find people to put this music out? On Cocaine Wars 1974 – 1989 there were endless illegal samples and stuff like that. And you called the record Cocaine Wars.
When you do things on a REAL independent label, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Nobody that cares about that shit is going to hear the record. We wouldn’t want people like that involved anyways—fuck them, and fuck that.

In the bigger picture, what do you want to do with the band as far as long-term goals or whatever?
We want to continue playing without a drummer—they’re not necessary. This long-term goal you speak of has been a running joke for about 13 years now and counting and it will probably never end.

What’s one thing Crom will never do? One thing Crom can’t wait to do?
Get it together. Get it together.

What are your favorite records right now?
Flame Retarded – Boarkkkiller
Chocolate Broccoli – Los Alimitos Uber Alles
Christopher Upside Down Cross – early stuff
Tom Berenger Escape Plan – Tales of the Bi-curious Bear
Beat The Earth – Los Demos
Carpathian MacKaye – Good Guys Don’t Wear Corpse Paint
White Rhino – Stampede Party Tonight

What is something I didn’t ask that you wish I did? Ask and answer please.
Favorite meal? Brunch.

RYAN DUFFY

Crom’s new record Hot Sumerian Nights is coming out on Underdogma Records later this year. You can also check them out on MySpace unsurprisingly.

Comments

[lurker beaver]

This band rules. Phil played in -16- for years. Another underrated genius metal band no one cared about until it was too late.

[shirts off]

way to go evil-dead-witch, anna is STOKED to see the pics she took in VICE!

[French Luger]

These faggots eat dix 4 fun.

[Twinklenards]

This is Whittier bitch.

[gabriel cusswerd]

this aint whittier, bitch. this is japaxico, north carolina.

[gabriel cusswerd]

stygian liars!

[Twinklenards]

Andre's sperm doesn't work.

[James]

Is Phil rockin the Menudo wig in that picture?

[james stockbauer]

As the proprieter of the Long Branch Inn in Austin, Texas I have to say that CROM is one of the finest acts to every grace our tender box stage.

[Peter Cushing]

3 drops of andre's pre-cum on a bus bench could get 47 out of 53 female commuters prego within seconds from mere contact.

[Christopher Lee]

stockbauer's word is law. all hail crom.

[penny the one-eyed dog]

fuck whittier!

[French Luger]

Fuck Penny, Fuck Crom,(except for the gay guyus which is all of them) Fuck "Phil" name droppers, Fuck Pre-Cum.

[Shit Bird]

fuck you French Luger !

[cum fucker]

fuck yeah luger, lets fuck everything! together!!! yay!!!!!!!

[gang bangria]

it's a gawdamn fuck fest !

[howie mandela]

dre is gunna be my baby daddy twice!

[taco_bender]

Keep your eyes peeled for the CROM/NKOTB 7" out on Virgin Records Summer '07