NEW YORK - NO-SPEND-A-THON

Vice bet me money that I wouldn't be able to go without spending any for three days in NYC. But I had to be strict with it—so sleeping at my apartment and taking shits in my toilet wouldn’t fly because I would technically be paying for rent, utilities, etc. Another stipulation was I couldn’t sleep at any of my friends’ places and wasn’t allowed to tell them what I was doing; I had to mooch. Regardless, it was a cinch.

Day 1

I had no warning that I would be asked to do this the day of, so as usual I came into work without eating breakfast. Around noon I was IMed with an explanation of the premise and once my co-workers found out they were refusing to talk to me because I was a “bum.” They threw scraps of food in the trash can adjacent to my desk while saying stuff like, “Too bad someone isn’t around to finish this.” But I wasn’t anywhere near that hungry yet.

At the end of the day I stole a liter-sized plastic bottle off someone’s desk and filled it up from the water cooler. After work I phoned a friend who owed me a few drinks and headed to a dive bar for a couple hours. After that, we went back to his place and I raided his fridge while he was in the bathroom. By the time he came out I had stuffed a cold tilapia fillet and some strawberries in my mouth without him having a clue. Then it was off to the park where I laid down on a bench and pretended to be a homeless person by spreading newspaper over me like a blanket. It must take some expertise because within five minutes it was all over the ground. But it was a mild night, and I’ve had much worse slumbers.

Day 2

The sun woke me up around 6:15 and I was a little hungry. There’s a produce stand by the park with all sorts of fruit outside. It was so easy to steal two bananas that I’ve been doing it almost every day since. I arrived at the office early and raided someone’s cereal. The only thing I really missed and couldn’t figure out how to get for free was coffee.

Around lunchtime I saw someone toss a half-eaten salad in the trash, so I immediately snatched it up. It was mixed greens with some vinaigrette, still in the plastic container. Later that night I stole a half-pound of pasta salad from the grocery store and ate in the park. Someone suggested that I sleep in the subways or at the bus station, but I didn’t feel like going through the hassle (plus, this would technically be “spending money”). I ended up on a bench at the park again. I ran into a homeless guy who is always hanging around my block. He let me have a half a bottle of King Cobra and told me about how he used to have a union maintenance job, but it all went downhill when he switched from meth to crack. It was a good bedtime story.

Day 3

Today I woke up at 5:30, tired and sore. Some green mystery film was all over the pant leg of my jeans, so I went to the water fountain to take a sip and scrub it off. I sat outside a coffee shop for a few hours and scored an almost full cup of lukewarm chai someone left on a table. On the way to work I stopped in a bakery and asked them if they had anything they were about to throw out. Turned out they just took out the trash and directed me to the bag where I could find some bread. I snatched two sesame bagels. They were pretty good. I went down the street and lifted a pack of gum from the bodega because my breath smelled like a dirty diaper.

At work everyone was asking me how it was going and offering me food: Cobb salad, Pad Thai, French fries, a bagel, and a corn muffin—I ate better than days when I was actually allowed to spend money. It turned out to be a late night at work and someone bought a bottle of bourbon, so I hung out until 10 or so getting loaded. Afterward I met some buddies at a bar and pretended that I lost my wallet, so they bought me Guinness and Jameson the whole night. We ended up going to someone’s apartment that I didn’t know at around 3 AM. Since technically I wasn’t in violation of the not-sleeping-at-a-friend’s-house rule, I passed out on their couch for a few hours until someone was shaking my shoulders and asking me who I was. After a mumbled apology, I headed home to my bed and slept like I was dead.

DARBY BUICK

Comments

[EZ PZ]

it scary how easy this sounds. scary = tantalizing. easy = what i do anyway.

[give me a freaking break]

so while playing at being homeless, you stole from small businesses and cheated your friends? despicable, not some fascinating experiment.

[fuck off]

if manuel can't afford to lose a few bananas off his stand he should keep a sharper eye out. and friends are made to be stolen from. your roommate is eating your peanut butter with his finger right now you whiney bitch.

[Freddy Dukes]

EPIC. I love this post.

[OptiMists cLub]

that guy has really tacky jeans

[A]

this is a funny post but i kind of want to sock you in the stomach. though i have a full-time job, i can't seem to keep my checking account balance above zero for more than a day or two each week. sometimes i end up walking to or from work (about 80 blocks) because i can't scrounge up $2 for the subway. your experiment only sounds fun and interesting because there was a definite time limit to it, and most people around you knew what was going on. there are a lot of people in new york city who wish they could "play" at being broke.

[bunkus]

Bullshit on the 80 blocks, guy. You're saying you walk roughly five miles to and from work--basically an hour each way of straight walking because you can't come up with two bucks. Unless you're writing this from a computer powered by an exercycle in India, I sincerely doubt it.

[marcy]

bunkus, perhaps it hadn't occured to you that "A" might have family to support, ridiculous student loans to pay off, or some other real life shit to deal with? dude, NYPD cadets get busted for welfare fraud--they're still collecting cuz the salary ain't cutting it. talk to some people, you might find out what this life is really like. your wit and mathematical acumen are separating you from us hoi polloi