NEW YORK - I ENVY THE DUMB

Man, you know who's got it made? Fucking idiots. Like not people with severe mental disabilities, necessarily (although I suspect some of them are quietly having a blast), but the generally dumb. They're not only the ruling majority in this or any country, but they glide across the world's rough edges on a thick, downy cushion of mild bewilderment not unlike those bumpers they put in the gutters when little kids go bowling. I was paying up at one of my town's two shitty Chinese restaurants last night and this old fat woman was at the register in front of me (of the variety you'd expect to collect either Hummels or state-themed thimbles) and as soon as she completed her transaction, she pressed her hands against one another in front of her chest like the Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian" dance and loudly said "Sayonara!" to the politely smiling host. Sure, it induced a round of that squeaking-cough sound when you're trying to hold in gales of laughter from everyone within earshot, but can you imagine how worldly and refined she came across in her own eyes? She probably felt like Sir Richard Burton for the rest of the night.

Being smart's an OK time if you're into playing wikipedia for all your stupid friends and worrying about how things you write on the internet will be "construed," but at this point I would much rather be able to sit through an hour of Dancing With the Stars without feeling like there are ants running through my veins than recall the names of villains from 30-year-old children's cartoons any day of the week.

I mean, how sweet would it be to get really, really angry in a bar cause you overheard someone say something and you can't figure out whether or not they were talking about you, and if so whether or not they were making fun of you? I always know when someone's making fun of me and all it does is make me realize that I'm not going to do anything about it.

Or how awesome would it be to 100% behind a presidential candidate with no reservations whatsoever just because he "stands for change" or is a "straight-shooter" who says the word gook or is going to single-handedly eliminate the Federal Reserve? Or to be convinced you're going to have a lot of money at some point later in life with no idea where it's going to come from? Or to hear the opening chords of "She Drives Me Crazy" and be completely overtaken by the urge to yell "Turn it up!" at the driver then sing along to every one of the "Wooo, woooo" parts for the entirety of the song? I figure life as a stupid would basically be like being on ecstasy most of the time, and PCP the rest.

And dumb-people jobs? Please. Have you ever worked in a warehouse or on a construction crew? You are basically being paid to get in shape for seven hours a day. Yeah, it may suck 30 years down the road when your back is a crooked piece of shit and the worker's comp from your crushed hip gets cut off for whatever reason, but in an ideal world the workweek would be smart, creative crap Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; manual outdoor labor Tuesday and Thursday. Holy shit that would be heaven.

The one thing I wonder though is if dumb people get stressed out about being stupid. Like for instance, I'm not so hot at math or science, but if I read A Brief History of Time or one of those Quantum Mechanics for Dummies books really slowly I can sort of grasp the fundamentals. Still, it's kind of frustrating when PBS does a special on String Theory or whatever and all I can do is sit there and think "There is no way I will ever understand this. These people are about a billion times smarter than me and their knowledge will forever be beyond my reach." Do you think this happens to dumb people with slightly complicated things? Like when some delivery guy who sounds like Bowser from Sha Na Na overhears two guys at the bar he's changing the kegs in talking about Russia's new president and goes "Jeez, get a load of the history twins here. [then to the rest of the bar] Newsflash guys: you ain't in history class. You're in a BAR," and then cracks up for a full 15 seconds—does he mean it, or are his insides crying "I wish we understood Russia"?

LEROY GUMPTION

Comments

[marijuana zen]

EXCELLENT QUESTIONS ALL. you my friend should meditate. practice. there is no "I." soon you can be as blissfully "dumb" as the naturally stupid.

[Marky Mar]

To achieve this same dumb-bliss simply huff spray paint until your smart-assed brain is content.

[Ericka B and Raw Kim]

Yeah, I have a friend who gets lots of girls, and I think its because he is so dumb, he has absolutely no insecurity whatsoever. Zero knowledge of self and no capacity for introspection = 100% CONFIDENCE! And chicks dig confidence.

[i have a warehouse job]

So, working in a warehouse or on a construction crew means your dumb? Awesome attitude, great article, way to stand up on a soap box and let everyone know how little you think of the working class while waxing over the burden of intelligence. Who are you Rudyard fucking Kipling? Don't be an asshole.

[Leroy]

"Dumb-people jobs" was supposed to mean jobs that can be performed by dumb people, but now that I think about it, yes, working in a warehouse or on a construction crew generally correlates with stupidity. At least that's what I've gathered through the various warehouse and single construction crew jobs I've worked.

PS: Quit your collegiate hand-wringing over the poor ole working class. They are on average far better off than their white-collar counterparts, at least for the first 10-odd years of employment.

[ariel]

what the fuck are you saying about mad, confused people at the bar? man those statements make me want to go drink. it is fun, bar fights rock, it entertains my friends and you obviously suck. lighten up leroy!
n hey go listen to leroy jones!

[i get it.]

a lot of these responding comments are missing the point. particulary those comments that compare the 'working class' to being dumb in a "how un-anthropology majory-way". i agreee with the author and can relate to his observations; insofar, this is the same way i receive the public. shallow as it may seem, the statement does NOT make a claim that the author is BETTER in any way. "envy..," an admission of vulnerability? certainly. we all have our weaknesses, and you the reader have found that of Leroy Gumpton. Respect that.

[bipolarruledout]

I have often felt the same way. My essay would certainly be differant but the point holds true.

Working a shitty or even manual labor job doesn't mean your dumb... it just means you need the money. I'm sure we have all been there. While I haven't done manual labor I did work at a call center contractor for a big communications company with a blue logo. I wanted to kill myself. I begged to go back into retail and I fucking hate retail.

In certain jobs you meet the kind of people who you KNOW will still be there several years down the line until the company finds some way to get rid of them. They are perfectly content and never dream of anything better. Perhaps they feel lucky to have such a GREAT position. I do feel sorry for those whos body will fail them in time and will have no other prospects but such is the sad world we live in.

[nacnud]

Blah blah blah, working class, middle class etc. chip on your shoulder etc, boring boring. BUT WHAT AN AMAZING PHOTO

[jenna]

this reminds me of some line in that thank you for smoking movie when the lobbiest guy says to his son 'if i wanted an easy job, i'd work for the red cross.'

it's so true! 0% intelligence is overcompensated by 100% confidence, in which case i don't think you would ever get self conscious about being stupid.

also if people are going to engage in a retarded class/poor people/i'm-so-pc discussion, i don't think it's particularly shitty to point out that dumb people have dumb people jobs. i hate when everyone gets on their high horse and tries to talk about class and race and shit when really the only tangible distinction you can make is educated vs. non-educated.

[v]

hmmm, commenter #3, nothing pisses me off more than a dumb confident guy. well. now that i think about it, insecure average guys who think they are more intelligent than they are- that pisses me off the most.

[Rudyard Kipling]

I can't really understand these comments, surely the editorial slant of Vice is to put across vaguely non-politically correct ideas but in ironic prose style, which in turn is quite amusing but at the same time highlights the low mental capacity of those that get offended by it?

[fine young cannibal]

All this made me do was buy "She drives me crazy" on iTunes. I think that was the real subliminal message Leroy was putting out there. Good work.

[Rudyard Kipling]

Fine Young Cannibals, for some reason I always drop them in the same category as UB40 and Aswad; am I wrong to do so? Answers on a postcard please.

[fine young cannibal]

Not sure about UB40 but it's forever linked in my mind with be-bop-a-lula as it was on the same cassette that my parents would play in the car driving me to ballet lessons. It also makes me crave extra-strong mints for the same reason.

[Rudyard Kipling]

Interesting. I've never had a particular penchant for ballet, extra-strong mints or the FYC, but thinking about it, the combination sounds pretty good. I tried Brazilian dancing last week, but the close proximity of other people put me off, perhaps adding the cannibals into the mix would make it bareable... I think Roland Gift got voted the most famous receding hair line in pop in the Smash Hits Poll Winner's Party 1989. Fascinating.

[slutmagic]

Rise of the Idiots?

Great article dan

[fine young cannibal]

I don't think the cannibals would be conducive to Brazilian dancing, just stick with the bossa nova.

Right enough distractions, I'm in the middle of finals and this has nothing to do with medieval French literature, oh god I want to be one of those "dumb people" in the warehouse, intelligence is over-rated. According to my dad the British people have regressed since the enlightenment and value innate common-sense, while being distrustful of acquired intelligence (i.e. education), sounds like a plan to me.

[Rudyard Kipling]

Fuck that, I did my edumacation and all that happened to me was that I ended up working in Britain's most wealthy fashion designer's warehouse. Lasted three months, got fired. Awful(not getting fired - the job).

So what is the choice? Either way, you end up fucked. But at least there's a new series of Beverley Hills 90210 to look forward to. They look pretty clever on there; they've got big houses, so they must be.

[Stephen A. Murphy]

I think it was funny that intelligence was equated with knowing 30 year old cartoon villains. Because I think of myself as inordinately intelligent for knowing the same sort of trivia. And it does often feel like this sort of smarts is diametrically opposed to an enjoyment of American Idol. Why is that? Goddammit.

[bandit a la mode]

That picture is great.

[aj]

This article is probably the closest thing written to the styles resembling the early days of vice. Keep pumping this cat, he will boost the loss of respect you have incurred since ditching witty shit like his from the days back.Good job Vice, now your back on track. Plus, Ive always wondered what it was like to be an idiot who smiles all the time, now I know Im not the only wondering, or if I think Im actually "smarter" than I think I am. Actually, Im allot less intelligent then I think I am. Thats why I fill my head with this nonsense.

[dyna]

everyone thinks anyone that doesn't think like them is an idiot dumb or smart who cares ?

[AK]

the photo, oh dear lord the photo! It took me a few moments to sink in, but can you say actuaLOL?

[Dood]

The pic is from the Funspot, Laconia, NH, which has the world's largest collection of classic video games. It rules, and you're a fool if you never go there. The dude in the pic isn't dumb, he's just a dork, and I'd bet he's a computer programmer with an IQ of 135.