SAN FRANCISCO - WHY I MISS HIGH SCHOOL

I call bullshit on anyone who says that high school sucked. All I did in high school was cut class, smoke pot, drink, drive around & hang out at friend's houses when their parents were gone, listening to music & eating fruit snacks. Knowing I was headed to the JC right after high school, I had the luxury of not doing my homework, not showing up for class and not taking the SATs. I had a shitty job, I didn't have any financial debts, my mom bought all my food, and I could afford to buy new records. With minor variances, high school was like this for most kids and anyone who did stupid stuff like homework and SATs totally dicked themselves over by being productive and missing out on the splendor that is (or should be) teendom. So here's a list of things I love and totally miss about high school. Although, if offered the opportunity to go back and relive that time, I'd have to give it an emphatic no fucking thank you.

Making out: Making out was the best thing ever. You could spend hours and hours just kissing and groping each other and never worry about the AIDS or the herpes or the babies. You could spend entire parties almost pissing yourself with excitement knowing you were going to make out with someone that night. But now after two minutes of making out it's like, “BOOOOORING!”

Excuse notes: Oh how I long for the days when everything I did wrong could be excused with a parent’s note. Notes were the magic key to legitimate freedom from school for anywhere between an entire day to just one class so you could go smoke pot in the park across the street. Your teacher would be like, “Why didn’t you turn in your paper?” and you’d be all, “It’s cool, I got a note” and the yard duty cop would be like, “Where do you think you’re going?” and you’d be all, “I got a note, doode” and your counselor would be like, “You’re failing math” and you’d be all “Got a note” and the principle would be like, “You’re not going to graduate” and you’d be all “NOTE!” and then everything would be OK.

Drinking: In high school, I could put away an entire bottle of vodka without a chaser or mixer and it’d be like when the Olsen twins were quoted screaming “Alcohol tastes like water!” Then the next day I'd go swimming at the Soda Hole and feel like a peach. Now I take one shot of whiskey and spend the next day laying on the couch in agony, trying to watch the news. Fuck that noise.

Drugs: Doing drugs in high school was super fun because you could think about “the meaning of life“ or your newest crush or how you’re gaining “world experience” and “opening new doors of perception.” The worst thing that could happen was a bad trip in which case you just overanalyzed your parents' divorce or cried about the time Travis called you Tiny Tits. Once I had a bad trip on mushrooms and I crawled on my hands and knees down a deserted country road and then jumped into a ditch full of moldy leaves and landed on a barbed wire fence. At the time I thought it was the worst thing ever but now I’d consider that a night well spent.

After-school jobs: During my junior and senior year, I worked at this little podunk pizza parlor that all the kids went to. I’d spend my entire shift eating pizza, stealing wine, or smoking pot in the back alley during my break. Sometimes I’d wait on tables and be able to pocket some gas money, but I spent most of the time in the back room drinking beer with the dishwasher who was 40 and didn’t speak any English. I even got fired, rehired, and fired again and to this day I can’t figure out what happened.

Getting in trouble: Remember when getting in trouble was the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD? When I got caught shoplifting at Longs, I thought I was going to die. I literally thought that my life would be cut short at age 14 and I’d be sentenced to spend the rest of my life in my room while my mom cried at the kitchen table. Whenever I sensed I was in trouble, my asshole would clamp shut and I’d start shaking and sweating. Recently my brother was talking to one of his high school buddies about when they got caught smoking pot and his friend got all pale and said, “Man, that was soooo bad.” We could tell he never got over it even though none of our parents even remember the incident. It's funny how when you try to bring up getting in trouble with your mom she always asks what you're talking about and then you realize how much time you spent berating and emotionally exhausting yourself while your parents were downstairs boozing it up, laughing about how you got caught shoplifting a pair of earrings.

Living on your own: Imagining living on your own was way more fun than actually doing it. I used to fantasize about going grocery shopping for nothing but snack packs and popcorn and having every one of my friends over to hang out every night all night long. Now that I'm grown I can't afford snack packs and have trouble putting up with a couple of friends who stop by for an hour. I envy people who get to live in their parents basement and watch porn all day.

Money: All the money you made from your shitty job in high school went to the following: booze, gas, drugs, records, and pizza. I used to have wads of cash lying all over the place in my room. Nothing over $30, but that’s more than I ever needed for anything. Now if I see a dollar bill on the floor I dive at it like a starving guy in a cartoon.

Milk break: Did you guys have this? It was awesome. At milk break, we’d stand around eating rice krispie treats and bitching about teachers and jocks. However, it wasn't so cool when your friends were late to your designated spot at milk break, so you'd hide in the bathroom until they got there and then they'd be like "Where were you?" and you'd try to be all, "Doin' stuff," but really you were just wondering if you'd ever be cool.

JULIA WERTZ

Comments

[blarg]

Hey yeah that sounds cool and everything, but the reason most people hate high school is because most people didn't do all that shit. Or they got the shit beaten out of them on a regular basis.

You're essentially just bragging here so fuck you.

[...]

The only reason most people didn't do all that shit is because they bought into all the lies about high school being the most important time of your life and stressed about schoolwork and their social lives. TV shows encourage kids to look at basic hookups and fucking and fights between friends as high drama which ends with some guy driving his jeep off a cliff, when in reality it's all normal workaday shit which is sometimes lame but more often than not funny and enjoyable if you aren't being a self-obsessed twat about it. High school's a fucking breeze.

If you got the shit beaten out of you on a regular basis past the age of 13 chances are you were asking for it.

[El X]

I agree high school was pretty fun, but it pales in comparison to what you do after.

Living on your is so much better, no more hiding bottles, you can have your bong set up on your coffee table if you like. I don't know about "JC" but in a university the girls are hotter the parties are wilder, you cant really "get in trouble" with anyone, and I don't know anyone who actually shows up to more than half of there classes

[Watson]

What's this have to do with San Francisco?

[antidee]

werd! loved it but i'd never do it again!

[Toast]

Right on, i always thought i did it right, your just the first to say so, the trouble was fun, getting caught with an ounce of weed at that halloween dance got me a week off school and when i got kicked out over the phone i didn't even have to get out of bed, good thing too it was fuckin cold outside

[...]

i miss lesley all of a sudden

[Kelsey]

This reminds me of growing up in shitacular Santa Rosa. I wonder if Longs still forces their employees to wear green vests with white piping?

[leah mo]

that was definately highschool for me.
i got arrested at 14 for stealing earrings.
smoked pot behind the shitty mexican shack i worked at.
passed highschool with a note and a tear in my eye.

yup. that was the life.

[neezy]

yeah this entry was pretty lame except for "Once I had a bad trip on mushrooms and I crawled on my hands and knees down a deserted country road and then jumped into a ditch full of moldy leaves and landed on a barbed wire fence" because it is pretty true and hilarious

[ibibibi]

i miss being 17.

[daney]

this sounds like a good plan for LIFE, forget high school.

[daney]

also, Julia, this is more girl-oriented. but you are correct: high school was fun.

[peter]

did you go to school in a 70s sitcom or some shit? fuck you

Word to ya mutha!

[beeboprocksteady]

too bad freaks and geeks wasn't on HBO or something similar. nobody every makes any good High School shows. and if they do its with people that are too fucking old to even be in high school.

[Steve PMX]

that was fucking awesome. chainsaw kittens were kinda rad. high school was gay at the time but in retrospect it was probably the best times of my life. no responsibilities!

[Mallory]

Well, Daney, good thing she's a girl. Idiot.

I missed out on all the high school fun. I was miserable and didn't do any of this. It wasn't until college that I started having fun.

[mu]

College is better. It's sort of the same thing, but you are living "on your own" with all your friends nearby. And it's way easier to get booze and cigarettes and stuff.

And you get to learn interesting stuff if so inclined.

[almostalright]

Sounds like a great high school experience, but of course, a very privileged one. I didn't have a choice but to be hyper about grades and test scores and extracurriculars because I couldn't afford to go to ANY school without a full scholarship... growing up poor is stressful!

[troy]

Wah wah wah, I had to work so hard because I was so poor. Most states will give you full rides at state schools for keeping a B average and doing OK on the SAT, which sounds like a rough deal until you remember that high school is ridiculously easy.

I got a full ride at an expensive private college and I was STONED TO SHIT for roughly half my high school career.

[Carter]

I made As and got a 1600. I was 22 before I knew what fun was. Success is a lie to make sure talented people don't turn over any applecarts.

The most successful person I know is 42, runs a record label, plays in 3 bands, dates someone 18 years her junior, and parties like she had 6 months left to live.

[almostalright]

hey Troy. I don't think I was complaining about having to work during high school - I just said that was the reason I wasn't cutting class and skipping homework. I had a stressful high school experience but good on kids who could party the whole time - sounds like it must have been a blast.

[Troy]

So the reason then that this represents a "very privileged" high school experience is that Julia chose to party instead of stressing out over going to school. Is common sense a "privilege" now?

Not gonna lie, the unedited version from your blog is a lot funnier. This one was decent, but didn't get the message across quite as vividly.