MIAMI - WHERE TO EAT

Jason Crombie wrote the whole Miami Guide to Art Fairs. Which means he also wrote this thing about where to go when you want to insert comestibles into your piehole. I’m no Zagat but I do have a mouth and I like to put stuff in it. No, not penis meat, Mr. Funnyballs, I’m talking about food. Food is very important, without it your vitamin, mineral, and energy levels can plunge dangerously low and you may become malnourished. If you remain malnourished for too long your internal organs can be permanently damaged AND you might die! Luckily in Miami they have food, and lots of it. Here’s some really good places to chew, munch, and chomp away at stuff so you’re not ravaged by famine like all those poor people in the world who, unlike you, don’t have the luxury of going to restaurants to gorge themselves like foul, gourmandizing swine.

DAVID’S CAFÉ
1654 Meridian Ave., Miami Beach
How many countries do you know that have a snack called “The Midnight Sandwich”? How many? I’ll tell ya: One, and that country is Cuba! Cuban cuisine is awesome, and the next best thing to actually swimming to Cuba for lunch is going to David’s Café. It’s so authentic! And it’s not insanely overpriced! And the waitstaff are actually really nice! Try the Palomilla Steak or the oh-so-delectable Cuban Cheese Flan! Wash it all down with eight of David’s famous mojitos and then wander about the place talking too loud!

HOOTERS
Everywhere...
Oh man. Buffalo wings and big juicy tits everywhere. This is the greatest place in the whole world to eat—if you’re a big, fat douche on the verge of coronary thrombosis. They actually encourage you to “flirt” with the scantily clad waitstaff here, which somehow makes it more depressing than a strip club. Sorry, strip clubs are just straight-up weird. I don’t want to get a sorrow boner for miserable, exploited women and I certainly don’t want to shovel crud into my belly at the same time! That’s just gross. Great place to fix a hangover, though, all that hot greasy shit... actually, fuck it, don’t go there.

JOE’S STONE CRAB
11 Washington Ave., Miami Beach
Joe’s Stone Crab has been around since forever and that’s how long you’ll wait for a table unless you go really early or super late. Very, very busy, and rightly so. The food is so delicious you might try to get into the kitchen and blow everyone on their penises. Make sure you get the stone crabs (duh) and dip them babies in Joe’s famous dipping sauce. And get some hash browns and some of that creamed spinach. Sooo good! It’s not the cheapest crab joint in town, but who cares? You’re rich! They don’t take reservations, so for God’s sake don’t call them, it’s just annoying. What are you doing? Put the phone down, stupid.

THE IRISH TIMES
5850 Sunset Dr., South Miami
What could be more incongruous than an Irish pub in the middle of the tropics? Man, talk about your proverbial turd in the punch bowl. Having said that—they’re fucking everywhere. The Irish Times is a great one, though, especially if you’ve got a massive hangover. They’ve got really good Guinness, which is a rarity anywhere outside of Ireland, and a stodge-fest menu guaranteed to dissolve that little cheese grater running around in your skull after a heavy night. Stews, fish ’n’ chips, a bunch of fried shit, it’s all good. Typically, the Irish staff are kinder than your own family, and most of the clientele are Irish too, and that means no one gives a shit if you get horribly drunk and act like a bastard. Kitchen’s open till 4 AM. Excellent.

SPRIS PIZZERIA
731 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach
This is one of the few times I’ve considered putting my fingers down my throat... so I could keep eating! Spris has got to be the best pizza in the state of Florida. I’ve only had the chance to go there once, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I reluctantly stopped eating, paid my check, and went back to my hotel for a nice long coma. If I lived in Miami I’d be there every day, getting fat in the sun, watching the Lincoln Road freak show roll by. There’s about 20 different pizzas on the menu and only three of them taste like burned dog shit. I’m kidding, they’re all delicious, and the salads and desserts are good too. They really should consider building a vomitorium so their customers can keep going.

SHEBA ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANT
4029 N Miami Ave., Miami
Remember the first time you went to an Ethiopian restaurant and you were scolded by your world-music-enthusing, nose-ring-sporting, hairy-armpitted, soon-to-be-lesbian girlfriend at the time for making a lame crack about not expecting much to eat in an Ethiopian restaurant? That wasn’t your fault! You just felt uncomfortable with the idea of blithely sampling cuisine from a country wracked by the worst famine of all time! If anyone was being uncaring it was her for wanting to go there in the first place. Fucking bitch. Anyway, Sheba is a top-notch Ethiopian restaurant and you should definitely check it out. Word to the wise—sneak some Fruit Roll-ups in with you. The portions are small.

THE LOST & FOUND SALOON
185 NW 36 St., Miami
How annoying is it when your friends on the West Coast rave about how much better their Mexican food is? It drives me mental because it’s true and they’re just rubbing your face in it. It’s tempting to say something banal like, “Mexican food is just rice and beans, whatever,” but what I say is, “Oh yeah, but everyone knows the best Mexican food is in Miami.” And then they pull a face and go, “What?” And then I say, “Oh yeah, you ever been to the Lost & Found Saloon? Oh man, it’s so good.” This really puts them on the back foot because they don’t know if I’m making it up or not, and then I say, “I was there last year and I swear I must’ve eaten two of everything on the menu! It’s goooood, dude! I definitely have to take you there sometime.” By this stage they’re bumming so hard on having their thunder stolen, they can’t even look me in the eye—and that’s when I punch them right in the mouth for being a smartass in the first place. Telling me you’ve got better Mexican food in LA. Pffff.

JASON CROMBIE

Dana Goldstein took that photo way up top.

Comments

[jackson]

i'm not going to art basel but i did just move to new york and all this talk of cuban food has me jonesing for a good cuban sandwich. who can steer me in the right direction?

[hammerdown]

the lost and found saloon sounds like the red iguana in salt lake. really random spot for the best mexican food i've ever had. they have an entire page of the menu dedicated to mole!

[zags a lot]

you "should have" done these "reviews" in the zagat "style". it "would" have been "hilarious".

[OK]

Jackson, I'm going to tell you, and it's going to sound really really fucking lame and gay (like homos), but trust me. If you go to that fucking Health-food bodega on N7th right by Bedford Ave, they have a really really really good Cuban sandwich. Now obviously it's not "super authentic" and it won't be served to you by some setpuagenarian marielista with a hook for a hand with tito puente blaring over the speakers of a shitty casio tapedeck and multiple cats chilling out unsanitarily on the counter and so on and so forth (gross wobbly tables), but it is an extremely tasty cuban sandwich. In fact, I'm going to go get one right now.

[a]

hur hur hur, penis meat.

[corrector man]

re: spris pizzeria

i've been there and, while it's good, nothing in florida can hold a candle to satchel's in gainesville. i mean i would fly down there just to eat the deep-dish if i could afford it.

[hahaha]

fucking common in a zune commercial? good fit!

Give up on food reporting. You suck. Ethiopian food sucks, and The lost & found saloon is a pale comparison of any restaurant on olvera street in LA.
Somehow I doubt someone as fru-fru as yourself has ever punched anyone in the face.

[Retards]

get some Cuban food, and get some Cuban ass while you're at it.
Yall crackahs don't know shit about some ass.