LONDON - STEALING KEIRA KNIGHTLEY'S RUBBISH

Last night my friend the celebrity garbage thief struck again, this time taking Keira Knightley's rubbish.

 

He took two bags, but as it was raining and he had to get on a bus, he ditched all the things he couldn't bear to touch (tons of food and tissues and empty boxes of dietary fiber supplements) and hung on to a very handy bag of herbs, spices and (Orlando's?) cologne.

The herbs and spices were:
Celery Seed
Caraway
Parsley
Basil
Garlic Salt
Thyme
Black Pepper
Ginger
Cinnamon
Coriander
Sage
Italian Seasoning
Oregano
Chives
Savory
Fennel
Marjoram
And the fine fragrance was from the house of Paco Robanne.

The original plan was to use them to make a bunch of dishes with Keira Knightley-themed names, but "Pirates Of The Caribbean Jerk Chicken", "Yoghurt and Atonemint Dressing", "Pride and Breadjudice" and "Bend It Like Beck-Honey-Glazed-Ham" didn't really call for any of the stuff she'd thrown out. And all of that seemed like too much work, so I decided to just add a spoonful of everything (including aftershave) to the simplest recipe I could find in Nigella Lawson's How to be a Domestic Goddess: Madeira Cake (Makeira cake?).

Most of the jars had never been opened and, for some reason, the lids wouldn't come off. So we literally had to hack our way in (which may have been why Keira threw them out and not because she's 'naturally thin' as we'd first suspected).

At first the cake was fairly well received and I was beginning to think that no one would be vomiting on the picture of Keira that I had pre-placed in the toilet bowl.

However, further mastication seemed to unveil hidden veins of awfulness, with talk of "coriander and bug spray" floating around, and after about 30 seconds the room started to look like this:

One taste-tester in particular seemed to be having a little trouble navigating a treacherous garlic salt hot-spot.

Aaaaannnnnnnnddddd...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

In closing, the cake tasted meaner than a flat chested lady with a longbow.

JAMIE TAETE

Comments

[keira]

first!!!

[Jordan]

FIRST

[Katie]

PHYRST

[Fred]

DURST

[BRAT]

WURST

[Damien]

HIRST

pointless

[me]

your toilet is horrible. Have you ever heard of bleach?

[Gamorrah]

Have you ever heard of dirt? That toilet isn't horrible.

keira's never going to go out with you now

[valdo]

I once stole a scab from Keira's elbow.

I'm building a collection of celecbrity scabs so that I may one day turn them into a lifesize sculpture of Terence Trent Darby.

I've already made his right leg out of scabs from Keira, Shane Richie, Francis Rossi and Tamara Beckwith. Tamara produces a particularly large amount of scabs. I also have Kate Moss' original septum that she kindly sent me. I'm open to offers for the septum. Scab-Terence will not be for sale.
xx
xx

YEAH

you all look like alphabeat

they do all look like alphabeat!

[t]

you have too much time on your shitty hands

[no]

Poor man's alphabeat. The third world's alphabeat. You look like a bunch of douches

[altbag]

so zany

[Alphabeat]

FASCINATION! IT'S JUST THE WAY WE FEEL!

where can i find that picture of that guy with the body set-ups that say 'fuck iraq' and then kill em all?

pride and breadjudice... thats inspired. actually hilarious.

[longshanks]

just admit it jamie, you hate your parents. they just don't understand you. uunngghhh.

Jamie, who is the guy with the glasses? He is so hot.

[Reid]

I don't know him, but he's at pretty much every UTR show.

That's Jordan Santschi I always see him with that punk model chick, alice.... something. The one with the shaved hair. I think him and Jamie are dating now.

i know the model you mean! but isn't her name maria, not alice?

i second that on 'pride and breadjudice'!