NEW YORK - SPACE IS FOR LOVERS

Probably the only thing more irritating than shits that necessitate multiple wiping trips* are people who hate space. They'll get up in your face (especially if you've got a camera and just asked them what they think about the moon landing or other NASA stuff) and say things like "Why are we spending all this money to launch smart people off the planet, when there are homeless/hungry/stupid people on the planet." Then they'll smirk into the lens like Yeah, that shut you brainiacs up not accounting for the fact that OF COURSE NOBODY IS GOING TO RESPOND TO YOUR DUMB ASSERTION THROUGH THE CAMERA, THAT IS NOT THE WAY THAT CAMERAS WORK.

Here are a few of the most glaring problems with the whole "Let's fix the planet before we head into space" argument:

WHY I’M NOT KILLING MYSELF TODAY - TGIF!

It’s 5:27 PM on a Friday and I am daydreaming about vacations. I’m officially Cathy. I haven’t been on a real vacation like, ever? I mean one of those package deals to some tropical place where they have bingo and shuffleboard and beaches and multiple pools and saunas and shit like that. I have decided that I am going. I wanna be like Liz Lemon on the beach in my tank-skort and black socks with my very own sandwich turtle. My one requirement: POOL BAR. Like, where you can swim up right to the bar and drink whilst half-submerged, sitting on an underwater stool. Requirement #2: A nice, not too crowded beach. Today I begin my quest. Will you help me?

THE WORLD - BUTT PROBLEMS

Know what's worse than a Hummer full of loggers on a cross-country trip to an aerosol can convention? Your ass, which is ruining the environment with its love affair with soft tissues. You're not a baby, you don't need diaper wipes anymore, OK? Install a fucking bidet if your balloon knot is that sensitive. But you know what's worse than that? Sheep, cow, and goat anuses, which are releasing so much noxious flatulence they're accountable for 12 percent of greenhouse gas emissions. Clearly the answer to all this ass is mass proctocolectomies (the surgical removal of the colon and rectum) for every man, woman, child, and hoofed beast. It means we'll all have to walk around with colostomy bags bulging out of our guts, but that's not so bad when you consider the hilarious new dimensions of pranks that will open up when everyone has one.

MONTREAL - FISH4BRAINZ

Fish4Brainz by Jacqueline Pirico is making its world debut! Here! Right now! This one's called "Joint Custody" but click through if you want to see "One Hundred Percent Recall On All Product" and "Jar Funeral Service Between 2 and 4 PM" plus a few others. It's a bit like if Ralph Wiggum were a French-Canadian kitten, ie. adorable.

NEW YORK - DISGUSTING PEOPLE

We've been in a grass-is-browner phase of conquest for a while, where we're jealous of the neighbors with the scorched, trampled earth instead of the green lawn. This is why we think people in ripped-up shitty clothes look better than clean people with money and it's what makes stories about the horrible anarchist you fucked in the back seat of a car after screen printing punk patches on a home rig at a hobo depot, who whipped off the condom, tied it in a knot, and "cheers"ed you with it after he was done so funny. And here's a whole blog of that stuff, called Disgusting People I Have Made Out With. If you are not legally old enough to vote in elections you need to get the hell out of here right now; the rest of you, have at it.

DETROIT - WHERE GENDERS HAS BEEN ALL THIS TIME

We hadn't heard from Genders in a while, and then bam! Out of nowhere they have a huge party releasing something called 13 Moons. What? Hadn't they broken up? We talked to them about this madness...

NEW YORK - ABOUT THAT SHOW WE TOLD YOU TO GO TO LAST NIGHT...

So that show we told you to go to last night...did you? If so, you know how fucking good it was. But maybe you didn't, so therefore here's a roundup of what you missed.

SKINEMA - POOPY

I've contracted some sort of AIDS as a result of bad sausage. Usually sausage doesn’t agree with me but it has never tried to kill me before.

SCANDINAVIA - A LITTLE MORE CAMILLA STEPHAN

Besides being a super cute Dane with Inuit blood who kicks our asses at drinking and eating humongous cinnamon buns, Camilla Stephan's given us great Greenlandic stories like Sittin’ On Top Of The World and An Arctic Wave Of Teenage Suicide. We spoke to her about some of her favorite pictures.

NEW YORK - YOU WANT TO GO TO THIS TONIGHT

There's a rambunctious all-townies show tonight with a lot of bands that're the harsher (and in some cases better) offspring of their own loins. It'll be like staring into an infinity mirror, where everything looks better as an iteration of itself, only for sound. Click down there for a list of what's what, since name-dropping "before the jump" is declassé.