It would seem that Vice contributor and comics larf-maker Johnny Ryan didn’t get the memo from Chris Hansen that toys are for little kids. While this benefits us because we think everything Johnny does, right down to his cranky, whiny, grandmotherly emails to us, is funny and we also aren’t ashamed to put toys on our shelves well into our adulthood, we still have to wonder if Johnny isn’t wasting his time making toys that the target demographic of toys—children—won’t want to touch.
So this weekend we got our neighbor’s son, who is an actual child, to come up and test drive the new Johnny Ryan dolls. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Fritz the toy reviewer. We sat him down with the new Loady McGee and Sinus O’Gynus figures, which come complete in cardboard outhouses and are accessorized with little things like a baseball bat with a nail through it, a dead fish, a broken bottle, a paddle ball game, and a knife (Sinus has a bloody slot in his back you can jam it into). We love these little guys, but we are old. So what do we know about toys?
Fritz, on the other hand, has a shitload of toys and he uses them every day. So he knows from toys. We've arranged his impressions in bullet point format for easier reference because this was a stream of consciousness playing session, not some rigid, square, corporate, focus group BULLSHIT.
• Sinus would be more fun in real life than Loady because Loady is too weird looking to be real.
• The fish and the broken bottle accessories are the same color: Green.
• Why is there green stuff in the back of Loady’s box? Maybe he used a gun to shoot broccoli in there.
• Sinus’s house is upside down and there is throw-up in it. Maybe he got sick and threw up inside his house.
• Give the choice between these guys and Star Wars guys, I would play with both at the same time.
• Chewbacca and Yoda could beat up Loady. In fact, any Star Wars guy could because they are all tough.
• R2D2 can never get killed. He just gets a headache.
• Even Droopy Dog could win a fight against Loady.
• Loady is ugly and not cute. Sinus looks nicer and Fritz would prefer having Sinus tuck him in rather than Loady.
• Sinus and Loady seem to be teenagers, which is a sort of grown-up.
• You need to be at least 4 to play with these toys, and they would make a good birthday present.
• Loady’s face looks like a pizza.
• They don’t eat their vegetables.
• Toys are supposed to be only for kids [See? We told you.] Toys for grown-ups are things like telephones.
• It’s not fair when toys have to stay in a box forever.
• And, lastly, the marks on Loady’s face might be from flies biting him.
The verdict? These are fun, but Fritz didn’t want to take them back to his house with them. He said that he would just leave them at our place and play with them when he stops by.