If you stayed a little longer in Austin than everyone else you got to see the real shit. The other day I went to a party hosted by an "outlaw bicycle club" of drifters, anarchists, crusties, squatters, and conspiracy theorists. They ride those super silly tall bikes you sometimes see people riding and want to push over. "Be prepared to get drunk as fuck and FUCK SHIT UP as fuck!!!" read the invite. Oh boy!
The party was at a falling down house in East Austin called the Shitpit. A bunch of bands were playing but their names weren't listed anywhere. The whole thing resembled a postmodern Two Minutes Hate rally against nothing. Beer cost a dollar and before long, everyone was pushing each other down in the splashy mudpit that was this house's front yard.
Why does it look so badass when girls get naked and dirty? Regular old tits transform into black metal boobs of death. I want to spear them so hard with my imaginary cock.
Everyone took five at one point during the mud wrestling because the shed out back was on fire. We ran over and several guys were pissing on the fire to help put it out. One of them looked worried. "Oh no,” he said. “I hope Sarah's kittens weren't still under there."
I'd heard they were going to burn a house down, but it turned out it was only a car. Still counts for something, I guess. This jacked up car on blocks was ready to be put out of its misery. At one point, a gang of filthy ten-year-olds came and started beating on it with pipes and skateboards, then suddenly disappeared back to their filthy grotto, just like little shit imps.
People were using a trampoline embedded in the windshield to jump over the car. One girl missed and her leg slammed through the glass, slicing it literally down to the bone. "Are you OK?" I asked. She shrugged and reached for more beer.
People were fooling around with bikes in the street, which annoyed anyone trying to drive through. Some kid got impatient and drove by too quickly, forcing people to get out of the way, and a guy kicked his side mirror off in response. Ten minutes later the guy came back with his mom, who started yelling at the party for being loud and scary. The mirror-kicker took his dick out, poured a beer on it, and used it to flick dick-beer at her while she yelled.
I was too scared to stay inside the yard, but people kept shooting off fireworks and throwing things like javelins and beer bottles over the fence, so you could never take your eyes off the action or you might get hit in the head. It was like a real live videogame! One dude slammed up against the fence and screamed at me to rip his shirt off, so I did. Then he somersaulted over the fence and screamed "THANK YOU!" We're friends now.
The "singer" of one of the bands was shouting unintelligible things through a megaphone and shoving people around. He shoved a guy on crutches, who subsequently tumbled down. When he got up, he was really muddy and mad. He cracked he singer on the skull with his crutch, and a fight broke out.
My friend was getting all philosophical about it, saying this is what happens when people with creative impulses have no outlets and it was dark and disturbing and made his tummy hurt and blah blah blah. The cops broke it up around 10 PM but everyone came back to engage in tall bike jousting and finally, finally burn that car.
(photos by Rebecca Smeyne)