Speaking of special parts and dessert treats, I once looked through my mom’s scrapbook when I was in high school and I found some pictures of a dick and balls cake with candles on top. It fucking weirded me out. Eight years later I realize whatever dude, she was just partying with her friends and ate a dick cake. If she can appreciate a good dick, so can I. So I ventured out of my prude cocoon to interview the bunch of girls behind Ligerbeat, a brand-new porn mag for ladies who appreciate all things dick. So kids, you know what's coming next. If you having sex with anyone means they'll get arrested for statutory rape, you need to scram right now.
Vice: Was it purely the love of dick that brought you together?
Calisha Jenkins: Nope, friends first, though maybe subconsciously we became friends because we are all part dick hound. All but two of us are either from Virginia or live there now. And several members of the staff worked under me at BUST.
Crackie Treehorn: A shared dick philosophy definitely brought us closer. We'd be bros even without the mag. It all started off as another one of our many harebrained schemes, and then once the seed was planted we actually found ourselves getting really entrenched in this idea of creating this sexual forum for women like us. Which we don't see anywhere, really—it's like, in a hundred years when people want to look back and find a valid representation of what kind of dudes their crazy great-grandmothers wanted to bone when they were in their twenties, what are they going to get? A bunch of oiled-up beefcakes and mamby pamby scene dudes and, like, K-Fed? Wait scratch that, I'd fuck K-Fed. But you know what I mean. And it's not even like we all like the same kind of guys, so we're trying to have sort of a broader representation of types.
What makes a dick a top notch, blow your mind, tell all your girlfriends about?
Calisha Jenkins: If you can keep a boner even though you are so drunk you are seeing double.
Crackie Treehorn: I like motivated dicks that don't bullshit, know exactly what they want and take it. They’re on some bossy shit. Also, dicks that can make me laugh until I'm fucking crying are great. Your shit could be crooked like a roach leg but if you can make me crack up, the panties will get wet, trust. And it has to be fat or I'm not with it.
Yung Ho: Good dick should be like a good salad. It should fill you up and leave you feeling light and refreshed, ready to tackle your day. Other than that? He should just be really into whatever he's doing. I'm not big into getting my asshole eaten, but if he's into it he should be eating my ass like it was the last cheeseburger on earth. Being engaging and enthusiastic plays a huge part in good sex.
Mason Rose Lee: I like a d that hasn't been shaved. I hate guys who shave. But a top-notch d is a dick that is always hard; whenever I'm within five-foot proximity of that shit, it's ready. If you can find a guy who can cum the same time as you it is the first thing you share with your ladies. My favorites dicks are Jewish dicks. I love ones that curve to the side.
When you find an exceptionally nice one, do you share it with friends or keep it to yourself? You know, like maybe you'd get all dick protective on your best friends?
Calisha Jenkins: Sometimes, when you're still eating something, you ask your friend to wait until you're done because you're still really hungry—you just need a minute to digest.
Crackie Treehorn: If you catch feelings, it usually has to be your own personal privatized penis. But if it's a jump-off you can totally pass him around.
Is there any dick you've ever just been like, no way man—not getting near it. Maybe it was too big, too small, too thick…
Calisha Jenkins: A friend of mine once went to suck a dick when she was really drunk, actually got a good look at it, and just pretended to fall asleep on it. I on the other hand will give anything a try but it is a real heartbreaker when it can only hit one wall at a time (I call this man Chapstick Dick). And yes, it can totally be too big, I know a girl with a very short vagina. Young Ho calls her the baby pool because she only comes out in the summer and she's wide and shallow.
Crackie Treehorn: If a dick is too small, like retarded small, smaller then my finger—which we have seen and which will be appearing in the first issue—then I just will not fuck with it. I'll start to go down on it, bust a U-turn and go to sleep. But if it's suspiciously large I will at the very least attempt to do some sausage stuffing.
Calisha Jenkins: What this tells you is: if you get a girl in bed and she immediately falls asleep, your dick is fucking little, son.
Have you noticed that dudes whose bodies would totally lead you to believe their dicks would just be like eh, whatever, nothing special, usually blow your fucking mind? What’s up with that, do you like the surprise or think it’s like whoa, dude, you coulda told me?
Calisha Jenkins: Do you mean blow my mind small or blow my mind big? 'Cause you can usually see an anaconda coming if you keep your eyes low. I bump into a lot of people and poles with this technique.
Crackie Treehorn: I don't really care about the size beyond basic thickness. Sometimes big cocks have it easier and they don't try as hard. And tall skinny dudes? Have you found that to be true? My track record on that one is about half and half.
Calisha Jenkins: No, I fucked a really really tall skinny dude, and...meh. He had a really big cell phone though. Biggest I've ever seen. The kind from Saved By the Bell. That's how he got me home.
Crackie Treehorn: I expect dudes that are thicker in the neck and shoulders to be thick in the crotchal as well. Maybe it's because they are hotter to me on some primal instinct survival of the fittest eye of the tiger type shit.
And what if girls are dick shy/scared? What do you suggest?
Calisha Jenkins: If you're scared of reaching out to the dick, try to avoid eye contact at first—staring into the eye of the dick too long is like staring at the sun. Also, introduce yourself to him, shake his head, get comfy. Make friends. Some dudes are just as scared of the puss as you are of the d.
Crackie Treehorn: I actually am kind of scared of approaching dick—I'd rather have dick approach me. But once the d is there, I treat it like we've been besties for life. Whenever anyone asks me for any kind of sex advice, my answer is always to not be afraid to talk about sex. Lots of people are shook but it's like, you're sticking your wang in my holiest of holies. So we may as well figure out what we like.
Yung Ho: You mean scared of looking at it? I've found that a lot of women are weirded out by male genitalia, but I mean honestly? That dick on the page isn't that different from some dude’s dick that you've hopped on and enjoyed in the past. Men love our pussies, there’s no reason we shouldn't love their dicks back.
What about the b? Do balls get equal opportunity love?
Calisha Jenkins: Crackie loves nothing more than to see a really tight ball sack cause she knows that shit is gearing up to bust.
Crackie Treehorn: It's true. Balls fascinate me. I could play with them all day.
Yung Ho: I am constantly fascinated by balls. Recently I discovered that you can make a dude's balls move on command. There's a reflex muscle that runs over a man's sack that responds when you tickle the inside of his thigh. It's called the cremaster muscle.
Mason Rose Lee: Of course, but you have to make sure your shit is clean. I'm not trying to put some dude's balls in my mouth if he’s got mudbutt. And what is a blowjob without some b-love?
Any famous people whose dicks you think would be banging?
Calisha Jenkins: Like big? Kells. [She means R Kelly. –Ed.] Cheney, surprisingly, check the blog. Inspector Gadget. Sandra Bernhard.
Crackie Treehorn: That tennis player Safin. I would let him put it in me. Shaq Diesel must be huge, but I don't know—is he on steroids? 'Cause steroids wrinkle the d. I’ve seen it.