AUSTRALIA – OUR ECONOMY’S GOING TO THE DOGS

As Australians continue to receive their $900 economy stimulus package payments from our cute-as-a-button, yet something-of-a-let-down of a Prime Minister, it’s interesting to see what people are deciding to squander their free money on.

Apparently someone bought $900 worth of novelty straws, another hero bought chocolate covered potato chips to the same value and Ben, our in-house designer and all round champ, paid his unemployed friend an hourly rate to be his intern for a week.

Then there’s my Dad. He pushed the payment to its limit buying himself a greyhound named Dino, with the full intention of racing it and hopefully winning back some of that money. As it turns out he invested in a sickly dog with a gammy hind leg but he’s not letting that deter him.

Vice: Why did you buy a greyhound?

Dad: Because I wanted one. I didn’t want to spend my own money, but when Mr. Rudd was so kind as to give me money, I could buy him. And to stimulate the economy, obviously.

So the dog hasn’t been well lately, how is he running now?

Very good at the moment, we trialled him on Sunday and the clocker said it was a winning gallop. He will be racing soon.

Clocker?

The man with a clock who times the run.

Oh. So I’ve heard he has protein shakes, what else does he eat to make him healthy and to win you money?

Secret things. The trainer doesn’t tell me what they are. Legal though, things like vitamins, herbs and oils to make him feel good.

If you were given more free coin, would you buy another?

I would! I’ll wait and see what happens. If I did this again though I would buy it myself and not go in with others.

Would you train it by yourself?

I would like to pre-train it, but your mother won’t let me keep it at home. I told your brother that when he gets a house, I’d like to live in his garage with the dog. I’d walk him every day for two hours then give him twenty minutes on the greyhound treadmill and a then free gallops a few times a week. That would probably do it.

I heard he has a new name now. Is he having an identity crisis and is it affecting his track work?

Dino is his kennel name, because he is cool like Dean Martin. High Trajectory is his racing name. He’s not having identity issues, he is very aloof and not affected by things like that. He is the consummate professional - they are my words.

I guess his first race will have to be the judge of that. See you at the tracks Dad.

HELEN J GROSE

Comments

[Andy]

You are wrong. This was not interesting.

[blitch]

^^^^^^^ HAHAHAHHA

[allison]

greyhounds are the best. too many of them get left high and dry once their racing days are behind them. it's sad.

[smart money]

thats just an investment

[munchies]

i think id rather go with chocolate covered potato chips. less hassle, more reward.

[hester]

is it weird that one of the reasons i like greyhounds is because it's not spelled "grayhound"? grey > gray.

[Anon.]

I am from Australia and all Im saying is that Kevin Rudd fucked us over. I have been trying to claim that dam tax thing for a good 6 months - no can do? I mean if I was given a random $900 why not go by a greyhound with eyes that look like bugs? We seem to be screwed anyways, might as well go out with a bang right?

[timmy]

i thought dog racing was illegal?!

[I Get A Hard On for Coco Puffs]

No Timmy, dog fighting is illegal. Which is kind of lame considering dog eat their own shit. But child labor is still all the rage.

[Hadley]

Greyhounds are great and it's better he can't race anyway. He'll be a great pet.

[derek]

simpsons did it first

[justin]

Great photo.

[Balls]

Dishlickers!!

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