CANADA - WASSUP YIPPEE YIP Y'ALL!

My mom's younger brother was the only person in my family that I always got along with. He gave me my first taste of whiskey when I was nine, used to let me hold his bong for him, and had me sit on his lap and steer his Camaro when I was eleven. He didn't freak out when I drove it straight into a fire hydrant either because, as he pointed out later, it was entirely his fault for not fixing the brakes before letting me drive. But lately he's been unhappy. Last year he lost his job as a customer service representative and then he divorced my aunt Becky because, as he put it, "the bitch was tying me down." He's started two failed businesses in the past year (one which involved selling "sudoku calculators"). But ever since I've been working at Vice he's been going on about how he's always wanted to try journalism...

What started off as a few playful pitches to me has, in recent months, become an onslaught of ideas from--and I say this with affection--a lunatic. I called him up to ask him what kind of stuff he'd like to cover for us.

Vice: Tell me what you were telling me last night.

Uncle Mitch: I wanna do some undercover reporting for you guys. Studs Terkel kind of shit. I've read Vice. I get it. Listen, I've been reading Vice since it was on newsprint. Since it was the Voice of Montreal. I know your whole wassup yippee yip y'all talk.

Fine. So what kind of stuff do you want to do? 

You know, some real shit. What if I went undercover as a squeegee punk--

We've already done something like that.

Let me finish! If I went undercover as a squeegee punk's dog.

How are you going to go undercover as a dog?

Exactly! Here’s the lead. It'd be like, “Being a dog’s gotta be pretty dope: eating those crunchy milky bones all day, shittin' on the sidewalk, sticking your nose up girl-dog asses. But what about being a homeless dog? That’s gotta blow. You’re being taken for the longest walk of your life! So we here at Vice decided to go undercover and get the scoop…

Is that a pun? Are you serious? Why are you saying dope? Are you going to dress up like a dog?

No. But I’d get on the leash. I know this kid who panhandles outside the Au Bon Pain near my house and he’d probably be into it. A day in the life of a homeless dog, as seen through my eyes! I need a beer, fuck.

I don't um...I don't think so, Uncle Mitch. It's kind of ridiculous and also not really the kind of thing we do.

OK, so forget that. How about I go undercover as a baby? Here's the lead: “Being a baby’s mega-dope: shitting your pants all day, suckin' on titties, and screaming your little balls off on the bus. But what’s it like being a lesbo-couple’s baby? Being kept up all night from the sound of squack-lickin’. Never knowing which tit to suck first…

Do you even know any lesbians?  

Not really. But that's Vice man, isn't it?! And your intern could probably find me some young lesbians who wanna see what it’d be like to have a foster kid.

You're 46.

I’m 45.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this… like, so, you wouldn’t be wearing a diaper, but you'd--

No, I’d wear a diaper. I'd let them change me.What's all this bullshit about "I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this"? What, are you some kind of business lady? Are you a pro-fesh-anal? Write it like "anal" too. What's up with you, kiddo? You used to be alright.

Well, I guess I like the idea of you going undercover but I just think this is kind of over the top, y'know? 

Over the top? Jesus, since when did you go so Melvin? Rolling Stone would take it.

Yeah.

OK, what about this: I go undercover as a customer service representative. It's like “Being a customer service rep has got to be the shiznit: talking to clients...shitting on your office floor when you know there’s no way you’ll make it to the toilet in time..."

Oh my god, you did not. Did you do that? Did you shit on the floor at work?

I'm not saying that.

You did, didn't you? That's why you lost your job, isn't it?! I'd like to hear that story.

Oh yeah? You got a budget? 

What? I thought you wanted to--

Listen, kiddo. When you're my age, you know a thing or two. You wanna come over later and play some cards? We'll talk more then, all right?

Yeah. Sure. I'll call you later.

SARAH STEINBERG

Comments

[Purple Peeter]

I hope this was real. I'd be all, "Ha!"

[sludge]

That was an exclusive interview with the pulse of North America.

[MRM]

Does a Sudoku calculator does what it sounds like? Figure out the puzzles? Boy, you really showed that Sudoku who's boss, didn't you? Hahahahaha.

[ohwell]

wassup yippee yip y'all

[thedon]

i hope its real too, but its hilarius either way

[freeride]

i bet rolling stone WOULD take it

[sonora]

i bet rolling stone would take it too.

[mmmm]

..." but Uncle Mitch is about to find out -- that being a stapler -- is harder than it looks"

[mg]

So stupid. OBVIOUSLY made up...

[jo]

My friend Jonathan wrote this interview! Made it all up!

[liz]

its fucking funny. i could tell it was made up but i think thats beside the point. it made me laugh. and rolling stone would def take that pitch and give it to matt taibbi

[Monsignor Oral]

LIES LIES LIES, homeless dogs could make up better intvs

[kkkanada]

As a person who also has a canadian uncle, I identify with this article.

[buttheadfacearsefacehead]

who cares if its made up or not? its awesome

[luke]

agreed. awesome. "when did you go so Melvin?"

[Dirk]

hahah classic

[M38]

Wow that was shit. Well done sarah.