MEET THE NIERATKOS - LOPSPITAL

It’s not all fun and games for my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonzie. Nope. Lonald has a very rare disease that only afflicts ogres and giants that make it difficult for him to rock out too hard or too often. He never had this problem before. It only started when he came down the beanstalk to get his goose back; he’s never been the same since. That’s why events like Beatles Cover Bands can’t be a regular occurrence. Lonzie gets too psyched and ends up in the Emergency Room.

As fun of a pee-soaked adventure as that is for the rest of us, it’s a bummer for Lonnie. He cries. He hates doctors and hospitals. And he especially hates hospitals with doctors who raise their voices to make him understand what they’re saying. “I’m not deaf, I’m retarded, you retards!” he probably wants to say, but because of his class and charm does not. Instead he pees his pants and then makes a joke like, “This place doesn’t have a bathroom, huh?”

For this visit to the hospital, my mother-in-law called us, the other 911, to report that Lonnie needed to go. This sent my very pregnant wife into a frenzy and she rushed out the door screaming to me to call the real 911.

OK.

“Hello. 911. What is your emergency?”
“Yes. My ogre has fallen and can’t get up.”
“Is your ogre at this address?”
“No. He’s at my mother-in-law’s.”
“Why didn’t she call 911?”
“Because her phone can only dial our number. We have no 9s or 1s in our number.”
“Who am I speaking to?” She asked.
“Who am I speaking to?” I asked.
“Sir…?”
“Ma’am…?”
“Would you like me to send an ambulance?”
“Well, that is why I am calling. I’m not trying to make dinner reservations.”
“Sir…?”
“Ma'am…?”
“Can I have the address?”
“You may.” And I gave it to her.

People are so serious in times of emergency. It’s annoying. It’s not a healthy way to deal with emergencies.

I called my wife to tell her the ambulance was coming.

“What did 911 say?”
I thought that was a stupid question so I said, “They’re busy. They can’t make it.”
“WHAT?!? SERIOUSLY?!?! WHAT THE HELL?!?!"
“No. I’m kidding. They’re on the way. What else would they say?”

She cursed me out for making a joke at a very serious and inappropriate time. I told her to relax. He’d be fine. She hung up on me.

I thought it was as good a time as any to test a joke. Tough crowd.

And I was right. Lonnie was fine. He took his ogre medicine and they sent him home.


BENNY THE FUNNY DOG

Here’s Benny’s Seinfeld-inspired joke of the week:

“What is the deal with people? I mean, really? You talk to me like I have a fucking clue what you’re saying. I AM A DOG! NO HABLE ENGLISHO! OK? Just feed me so I can go take a shit and get back to my nap. My life is not up for discussion.”

CHRIS NIERATKO

Comments

[kline]

well shucks. what is the thing on his arm? makes him look like a big, naked hockey goalie.

[LON-NIE]

Lonnie needs a get well soon Beatles mixtape.

[anonymous]

i'm not sure how i feel about lonnie.

[scrotumpole]

part of me hopes that lonnie is more aware than he lets on just so he can walk around naked and eat as much as he wants and piss himself.

[Wenz]

Your wife's reaction to what you said about the ambulance was funny. I've never heard of anyone joking around with 911. Except Public Enemy. Get it? "911 is a Joke"? Okay, I'll go away now...

[mike]

"Just feed me so I can go take a shit and get back to my nap. My life is not up for discussion."

i second this.

[Tdubs]

CHRIS NIERATKO IS MY HERO

[D]

http://seinfeldxxx.com/home.html

[vanessa]

okay something is worng with me, somehow i think hes cute?! ahhhhhhhh

[spectator shoes]

clearly the author is a narcissitic bore. i would rather watch him kickturn in empty swimming pools for 2 hours straight than read this.

[el cape town]

shame man,im sorry lonnie was booked in. tell him happy birthday +

[uncle thom]

I don't wanna say Nieratko is better than Shakespeare, but he's not not better than Shakespeare, ya know?

[Ted]

Someone could hire a Beatles cover band to perform for Lonnie in his hospital room. It would be great, he could spazz out and piss everywhere and everyone would just gather round his giant body and heartily laugh

[Balls]

Lonnie knows what the fuck is going on people....

he's just living the dream

[Bob]

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Wow! Super funny! Lets exploit more retards for the sake of a pathetic joke. Especially family members! why in God's name doesn't Chris have his own HBO special is beyond me.

[eedjut]

wow. this is great. let's watch videos of retarded people and feel better about ourselves.
what the fuck, vice? this is not funny or even mildly entertaining.
in fact i'm very, very disappointed in you.

[_stab_]

Nice work getting angry at a guy who spends most of his time taking care of his wife's mentally retarded uncle for making a funny video about it.