LONDON - FEAR OF CLOWNS = LAME

A fear of fucking clowns does not fill the void where your personality should be. It is becoming increasingly fashionable for people to spontaneously announce that they're scared of clowns. It is usually people who have little to no interests and similarly there is nothing interesting about them.

LONDON - TEEN ANGELS

Some of the front covers of this magazine are so good I can't believe they actually exist. Some guy has got them all for sale on eBay. I want to buy some.
I just bought the 1988 calendar. Fuck knows what kind of pictures are going to be lurking within it, but if you want one you'd better get in there quick because there's only four left. And by the time you look they will probably all be sold, unlucky. Either that, or you'll be too thick to even want one. Here are some of the many amazing covers.

BONANZA

LONDON - NAVEL GAZING

I hate when I look for things on the internet and Google gets the wrong idea like a confused nan and offers me something totally different. Thing is, I have a fetish for navel hair. I'm not into hirsute women or body hair, I just like it when a girl grows that really thin strip of hair on her belly. I once got this girl I was going out with to stop trimming that area and she really got into having it there and being all unique and whatever. But then one time when she was at the beach with some friends, they all started calling her "manly" and stuff. So after that episode she would never really indulge my fantasy anymore.

LONDON - COCK PILLS

Here's a dodgy ad for penis enhancement pills. I find it hard to swallow for many reasons, the main one being that I once heard a doctor say: ''Anything with more meat content than an overweight forefinger will do the job just fine''.
CONAN

LONDON - FAN ART

I love bad drawings of celebrities. I especially love that fans feel so passionate about these portraits that they scan and upload them to the internet. When you first lay eyes on these sketches it's like spotting someone you kind of recognise, but don't really know where from. See if you can guess who the following drawings are supposed to be. Answers below.

LONDON - DOUBLE TAKE

I love "professional" celebrity lookalikes. I don't really know if they are as bad in other parts of the world, but here in the UK they are seriously shit. I find the people who do this as a profession slightly disturbing and fascinating in equal measures. They are often obsessed with the celebrity they think they look like and grow to almost believe they are that person. When I first see them standing there with a smug beaming smile, basking in the attention of the onlookers, proudly thrusting their resemblance to someone famous in our faces, I can't help but hate them slightly. I sometimes find it slightly uncomfortable to look at them. To me they usually just resemble their celebrity doppelgänger after the effects of a degenerative disease or a drug addiction. It's almost like a really weird performance art where we are reminded about the dangers of AIDS, cancer and various other afflictions.

Below are some celebrity lookalikes that you can currently book for appearances and pay real actual money for (!).

BRUSSELS - THE MUSCLES

I used to live with a guy who was obsessed with Jean-Claude Van Damme. He used to watch videos of him doing flying roundhouse kicks in super-slow-mo. When it got to the frame where his ripped, naked back was facing the camera, he would pause it, turn around, look at me and say: "You can't tell me you wouldn't want to look like that?" I later caught him practicing flying kicks in the kitchen. Anyway, here's the trailer for a funny, French-made mockumentary called JCVD due out this autumn. 
CONROY VAN WINKLE