We're not in the mood to hear anyone whine come Monday about us running a scam, so just in the nick of time we're announcing the winner of our Blank Issue contest. His name is Jesse Z. and he was basically the only person to write something for each section of the contest that didn't make us want to figure out how to explode our heads in a microwave. That's not to say there weren't a few worthwhile others we could hunt and peck from the pile, but this classy guy's The Way Too Personal Issue was tops. It included the informative "Ten Steps to Fuckin' Up" (in which he instructs the reader in the proper way to hit rock bottom) and also a "column" about how he started a riot in Brazil during Carnaval that left his friends with asses beat and his untouched. In other words, he managed to cover all the bases without sliding into home with pants full of foam. Congratulations Jesse, but don't let the success go to your head. The Griswolds won "Pig in a Poke" and look at the mess that got them into.
A while back we ran a contest that we anticipated would unleash a barrage of garbage on par with a lit journal put together by home-schooled junior high students from Yeehaw Junction. It was deemed the Blank Issue and we promised the winner $1,000 or an internship at our esteemed publication, along with a few miscellaneous prizes for the runners-up. And yes, it prompted readers to foist their horrible story ideas, horrible DOs & DON'Ts captions, and horrible record reviews upon our poor, defenseless inboxes and the unsuspecting public. What we didn't expect was that a few of the submissions would turn out to be pretty decent. And what really blindsided us was the sheer volume of entries. So please accept our humblest apologizes for taking so long to select our favorites, but it's your fault for sending so many our way. (You can all stop doing that now, OK? We're done reading.) In a couple days we'll announce the winner, so all you who've been mouthing off in the comments about the whole thing being a scam can shut it. It's not a scam, we've just been a little busy doing a little something called "puttin' together a magazine."
So my dad pretty much hates everyone and doesn't have many friends outside of the staff at a bar he frequents on the weekends. His brother Carl is the polar opposite—a really amicable and gregarious guy who loves to chat with anyone and everyone about anything. They run a business together, so you can easily imagine the weird dynamic they have as partners. On top of their unholy union, every time one of them has a birthday, my grandmother buys the same horrid cologne for them year after year because they lie to her and say they like it. This stuff smells like mothballs that have been fermenting in a vat full of a year's worth of John Madden's leftover Tinactin scraped from his toe cleavage. Last year she made the mistake of giving her annual bottle of cologne to my uncle, who preceded to squirt three-quarters of its contents all over my dad's office effects with the door closed after he had left for the night. Needless to say, my father refused to work inside his office the next day. Today was my uncle's birthday and my dad, being the enterprising guy that he is, decided a special treat was in order: a kiddy pool full of fresh horse shit collected from a buddy's ranch. It had been sitting in there for a good 12 hours before my uncle opened the door this morning, and next to it he found a shovel and a brand-new bottle of the aforementioned cologne. No word as of yet on how he got it out of there, but I have to say: Good one, old man. I didn't think you still had it in you.
Wowza! How'd they get the skates on? How does the goalie know he's a goalie? Does the goalie know he's a goalie? Soooo, do you want to see Love Is All in Montreal tonight? They're playing at Sala Rossa. And tomorrow they're playing in Toronto at Le Horseshoe. We've got tickets to both and we'll give 'em to you if you want 'em. Your chances of getting on the guest list are pretty good, since we're wrapping this baby up in a couple of hours. Just mosey on over to the contest page and send us your email. This one here.
You like music right? You hate crappy Scandinavian winters... right?
Well here's your chance to skip a week of hell mid-December, fly down
to Australia, go to the Meredith Music Festival, have after-parties in
your hotel, and get a bunch of adidas Originals gear to barter your way
backstage with. How you ask? Go to www.originalsfestival.com,
follow the retard proof instructions to make your very own festival,
then spam that sucker out. I mean, send it to EVERYONE you know and
hope they like you enough to help you win! Or at least make a really
bad festival so you win some adidas Originals shoes for the worst
attendance. Happy spamming!
Hey, we're feeling pretty generous today so we've decided to give away a copy of TheVice Photo Book.
If getting your hands on something that is filled with all of our favourite pictures and fashion spreads and photo stories from the past ten years of the magazine sounds like a good idea to you, go here and tick a few boxes for a chance to win.
If you don't like ticking boxes, you can buy it here.
Dear Gay Men of Melbourne, Australia,
You are needed to partake in an experiment of the utmost importance to mankind. This is finally your chance to give back to humanity with the simplest of tasks that you, yourself, hopefully perform daily with a loved one or friend. All you need is a penis, another man with a penis, the ability to chew and swallow kangaroo meat (among other things), and a positive and fresh outlook! If this sounds like it’s up your Hershey highway then please, for the sake of science, read on!
Those crazy kids over at one of Melbourne's newest denim labels, I HEARD THEY EAT CIGARETTES have got a couple of pairs of their new guys and girls jeans to give away. If you want to look good at 6am outside 3rd Class on Friday mornings while chewing your face off and wondering why the ATM is saying you only have six bucks left until a week Friday then take a photo of yourself feasting on a lung lolly and email it in to us here with your waist size. Runners up get emphysema... Good Luck!
Well, after exactly 12 weeks, our adidas Originals Festival game has come to an end, and we can rest knowing that the overwhelming majority of players would like Justice and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs to play at their event. Over 5,000 people created festivals and designed (some brilliant, some horrendous) posters which they could promote to their people for the chance to win the major prize. In the end however, it was the designer of the STOW Festival and this intense poster who came out with the greatest attendance and who'll be going to the Berlin Festival in July with VIP treatment courtesy of our VICE Germany office and a whole new adidas wardrobe.
Go to www.originalsfestival.com.au to check out the winning festival, best designed poster and worst designed poster. In fact, you can check out all 5,196 posters created during the game.
I went to Mexico last year and after dividing my time evenly between Mexico city, the inland mountainous region of Oaxaca (pronounced Wahuka) and the sea, just south of Cancun, I can testify to the fact that it's one hell of a diverse, interesting and inspiringly fun place to visit. The people are intriguing, the food is unbelievable, there's a bunch of great galleries and art and the markets are strange and plentiful. In fact just writing about it makes me want to go back really badly.
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