CANBERRA - PARLIAMENT HOUSE GETS A MASS EXORCISM

Very, very, very strange things were afoot in Australia's capital city this weekend. Allow us to set the scene... A few weeks ago, we saw photos of a blood stained pillar on the top of a hill overlooking Parliament House and heard associated rumours of satanic rituals and animal sacrifices being performed by members of what is apparently a large Wiccan population there. It turns out that national Christian organisation, Catch the Fire Ministries, heard about it also and took this as further evidence to support their belief that Satan is at work in and around our policy-determining hub. In order to combat this evil, they organised a mass "prayer offensive" at the site with the triple-barreled intention of 1. reversing any spells cast by the witches, 2. hopefully changing politicians minds about things they disagree with such as abortion and gay people and 3. sending out good vibes to ensure a bushfire-victim free summer. Really, what on earth could go wrong?

NEW YORK - A MIX FOR PEACE

As everyone knows, President Obama met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in New York today. On the table for discussion: the necessity for the immediate start of peace talks between Jon and Kate. Just kidding--Obama met with the leaders in the hopes that long-stalled peace negotiations between the two countries can be resumed. Obvs. To mark the occasion (and to promote their monthlong North American tour), our friends in everyone's favorite Israeli garage-rock band, Monotonix, (read an interview here, whydontcha) sent us a sweetly trippy mix of their favorite Israeli songs. 

DESERT DISPATCH - CALIFORNIA PAROLEES: COMING TO A NEIGHBORHOOD NEAR YOU (AND ME)

California’s State Assembly dipshits should congratulate themselves for a job well done. They finally managed to pass a bill that will reduce the state's prison population by 17,000. All it took was a riot that tore a prison in Chino apart from the inside. That, and a federal court ruling handed down in early August that said the state had to clear 25 percent of its 150,000 prisoner inventory.

NEW YORK - CRIPS DON'T DIE, THEY JUST GET HIGH (ON FARTS)

When you’re going to hit a correctional officer during a routine search, first stun him with a blast from the assed. In a rare inside look at new gang fight tactics, NYC Crips member Kareem Haskins showed his crew's secret weapon when being patted down by his CO, Mathew Knowles. Haskins then spun around and slapped him. Knowles completed the grade-school regression by getting an ice pack from the nurse and then telling on Haskins. Since this case broke wind, reports are coming in of drive-by fartings across the country, better known as “crop dusting.” No wonder they wear those scarves on their faces.

PHOENIX - HADES IS FULL OF TENTS

Rising high above the Arizona desert, looking down on a sea of men and women in black-and-white prison stripes (and wearing the mandatory pink underwear), a pink neon sign flashes the word "VACANCY" from a 50-foot tall "SkyWatch" tower manned by armed guards with semi automatic rifles. In the interest of journalism--and that fact that I have been fighting my DUI for the last eight months and may end up here--I drove out to the Maricopa County Jail Complex on the west side of Phoenix down near the river bottom to see what was going on in Tent City.

SWEDEN - GETTING TO KNOW RAMZAN

Ramzan Kadyrov has been our favorite Russian warlord to google image search (see above for one of many reasons why), but to get some more insider info we asked our friend and Chechnya expert Anna Söderberg to break down this scary guy. This is what she said.

NEW YORK - BOMBS AT THE BAR

After visiting Mallorca on holiday with her parents as a kid, my dad’s cousin packed her goodies and went on her own back in 1983. She was 19 and had promised her old man to check in with the local beach bar owner Julio when she arrived. They knew him from their previous vacations there. And boy did she check in, because she’s been there ever since.

JAPAN - KIDNAPPED BY RUSSIAN SAILORS

You know I've been winding my way through the frontier land of Hokkaido. The next stop on the journey north was Monbetsu, supposedly the most racist town in the whole country. Locals got fed up with the endless influx of drunk Russian sailors docking at its port and wreaking havoc, and for a time banned foreigners from staying there altogether.

DENMARK - DANES DEMONSTRATING FOR DECENCY

You know who's number two on those Charts of Peace? Denmark. Except that they just had a kind of violent outbreak of citizens concerned about their country's policies regarding foreigners. Will that bump them down to number three next year?

NEW YORK - HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAWRENCE HAYWARD!

Someone reminded us that it's Lawrence Hayward's day of entering the world fleshen and sucking oxygen. Forty-eight earth orbits have passed since, and we know it's a little late in the day to be saying hat's off to the chap who made perfect pop music with Felt, but it's easier to do it this way than to send him a singing teddy bear-gram with a card of a baby duck shedding a tear as he whispers, "Sorry."