MELBOURNE – JOHN SAFRAN BRACES HIMSELF FOR THE FALLOUT

It’s two weeks exactly until John Safran’s new series Race Relations goes to air and it’s already been labeled by someone from the Australian Family Association as “the lowest point in Australia's television history.” Are you fucking serious? Have you turned the television on recently? Programming here is hideous, almost without exception. Anyway, we have a feeling that John’s new show is going to set a new benchmark for Australian television and we can’t wait to see him try to determine, via a series of excruciating experiments, whether he should marry a Jew or a Eurasian.

MILAN - SEXY PEOPLE'S SEXY PEOPLE

Distracted by the quotidian, we oft forget some crucial details of our past: the time we wore that brown turtleneck, or when our 12-year-old cousin sported an insane curly weed bud ponytail a la Roberto Baggio. But to defeat this miasma of forgetting and regret, along comes a funny Italian guy who can set all our worries aside and save our forgotten photos from the accidental flooding of our cellars or the spontaneous combustion of our family albums. Then he takes all those pictures and puts them up on a thing you've already seen called Sexy People, which we brought to your attention a while ago. Usually these kinds of projects dry up faster than a pet newt you forgot to water while on a three-day bender, but nope, not this one. We decided to ask him a few questions and take a dive in a pool of secretarial sex-appeal circa 1978 and adolescent despair.

AUSTRALIA – OUR ECONOMY’S GOING TO THE DOGS

As Australians continue to receive their $900 economy stimulus package payments from our cute-as-a-button, yet something-of-a-let-down of a Prime Minister, it’s interesting to see what people are deciding to squander their free money on.

SYDNEY - MOVING TO KINGS CROSS

My girlfriend Kristen and I moved from the "dangerous" streets of Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn and the East Village of New York City to the seemingly safe and tony neighbourhood of Darlinghurst, Sydney. Our new home was at the tip of the dick of Darlinghurst, where the girls walking the streets at night cross over to girls that are really boys that ply their trade in the aptly nicknamed Ten Buck Alley. Its real name is Premier Lane; and from what we've heard at night, as the sounds of slurping and sucking blow up to our balcony, those are some premier ten-buck blow jobs. It warms the heart that in these times of recession and inflation that the price of a blow job remains steady and true.

MELBOURNE - NAT'S CARTOONS

Last night we stumbled across a book of cartoons by a friend called Nat. If you don’t know him, Nat works in a bookstore, has a cute girlfriend, and a penchant for wearing a replica Warriors vest. Anyway, the cartoons were funny so we asked him about them. Here’s what he had to say.

Nice cartoons, what are they for?
They were last minute present for my girlfriend when she asked me to make her something.

Did she like them?
She asked if I was autistic. No, just kidding. She liked em.

Are you autistic?
I don’t know but I only spend a minute drawing each one. Any longer and you’ve spent more time on it then it could ever be worth… you need perspective on garbage.

NEW YORK - JOKES FOR THE DEPRESSED

I have no business on the internet. I'm unemployed, lonely, and depressed. Unemployed is controversial. You know homeless people? They aren't unemployed, they are non-employed. Unemployed means you don't have work but you're looking for work. Non-employed means you don't even try anymore. If you think about it, non-employed is really where it's at. That's where you don't do anything. I should not do anything, but instead I've been spending my days writing jokes. Here's my new material...

TIDBITS - IAN MACKAYE HECKLES A HECKLER

We just stumbled onto this little gem of Ian MacKaye doing the thing we love him for: hassling people over their bad politics and insensitive lifestyles. This happened at a show in Syracuse, New York, just last summer, but his angry banter whisks us back to the day when as wee saplings we could still muster the ideals to get in people's faces too. Click below to listen.

MELBOURNE - TEEN WOLF WEINER

So last night I was watching  Teen Wolf as usual when I remembered that someone hipped me to the fact that a random extra in the final scene supposedly whipped his junk out and the editors either missed or just left it. Sure enough it was there. The guy in the background in a maroon top has his pants undone and his stuff hanging out. It's quick so be ready for the action!

LONDON - BAKING CAKES IS A PIECE OF CAKE

Balloons, rainbows, Barney the dinosaur, fairies, bunnies, er, Barney the dinosaur holding a balloon and dancing with fairies in a field of bunnies with a rainbow overhead: all things you might expect to see on a 4-year-old's birthday cake. But kids don't like that shit. Kids like computer games and cars and money and guns and killing people. So what better way to celebrate Lil Derrick's big day than a cake which perfectly sums up all of these things?

Click below for some more really clever and original cake designs.

MELBOURNE - RIDE THE LIGHTNING AT 33 RPM

Here it is, finally! Some dork spent money on the new, useless double Lp 45 RPM re-issue of 'Tallica's classic album Ride The Lightning! Then, after eating dinner with his mother and folding his socks and undies, he got out his fancy-pants new mp3-ripping turntable and recorded the entire album at the wrong, slower speed. I'm not going to post a link because I don't need some balding loser who decided that it was time to get into dressing rockabilly at age 47 trying to sue us. Blow me and use google. It's everywhere and they can't stop it!
JSIII