BERLIN - YOU CANT DRINK HAPPINESS, SO STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!

It was by chance that we stumbled across a rumor of Colombian kids following a silly new trend. When they’re not in school they’re shoving vodka-drenched tampons up their buttholes. We have no idea how they came up with this horrific plan in the first place or why anyone should ever want to do this, but the teenagers in Colombia insist on its effectiveness. The alcohol shoots straight into your bloodstream and gives you an instant high, and supposedly this method protects you from smelling like a drunk. Here is Berlin intern Kolja and he shoved this rumor. Up his ass.

BERLIN - BY THE WAY, POTATOES

Niggemeier, Lobo, Passig and a few other important German bloggers and journalists published their smart-ass Internet Manifesto not so long ago. They explain how things should work in the internet, in the marvelous world of journalism, and so on. In ten different languages, that is. A denotative manifesto. Thanks. Meanwhile I discovered an Kumpir place around the corner. A denotative detection too. Kumpir are those stuffed potatoes. A Turkish national dish, fast food, but above all, they’re one thing: potatoes.

NEW YORK - ALPACALYPTIC PROPHESIES

So you watched the Cute Show today and you know alpacas (Vicugna pacos) make loyal and low-maintenance meadow pets. If you get one of the outcast alpacas that has scoliosis or is funky in some way they are cheaper than a lot of pure-bred canines. Second to a baby skunk that has had its stinker removed, I think an alpaca is the greatest snuggler pet. So soft and with a custom saddle you can ride them too! 

BERLIN - AIDS HITLER UPDATE: THE PRESS CONFERENCE

Mention Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, or AIDS in Germany nowadays and you'll be surrounded by opinions and assholes. After the bareback Hitlerporn fuck-up a couple of days ago the "That's Just Like Hitler" Show just got a second season. The day after the release of the campaign video from Regenbogen e.V. and the ad agency Das Commitee responsible, a press orgyensued, which meant some people had to set some things straight. In traditional manner, they invited the nation's journalists to a conference in front of a Prussian castle in Berlin. As with the majority of cases where Hitler is reanimated for advertisement and walks zombie-like through the media everything got a lot, lot worse.

BERLIN - IRON MAIDEN AND BROKEN LIVES

I actually don’t know much about Iron Maiden apart from the fact that the singer has got a terrible voice and they love to wear spandex. But today was striking, because it is a rare moment to actually see someone split up in public (OK, except for the celebrities) but it’s even more unusual when a die-hard fan splits from his favorite band, like ever, in public.

BERLIN - TRUTH OR DARE

How far would you go for fashion? About one-eighth of micro-centimeter, right, because who the fuck even says that? Well, how far would you go just for the sake of taking stupid photos with your friends?

BERLIN - PARASITES OF HELPLESSNESS

After spending the 80s in the USA, German photographer Miron Zownir moved to Russia in 1995 and decided to spend a good while there. His original plan was to document the Russian nightlife, but that proved sort of expensive so he switched to hanging out in the train stations. There he was drawn into a whole strange universe of bums, lunatic baby whores, and crazy people who had been kicked out of mental asylums (or had never been admitted in the first place). Now he’s back in Berlin, though he's never quite lost his taste for sex clubs, sketchy burly guys, or intoxicated actors. He made a controversial documentary about Bruno S. two years ago, and he's got a book coming out next month. Here are a few photos from it.

NEW YORK - GLAMAZON AMPUTEES

You know you're not supposed to stare at people with disabilities. But why not? What if you accidentally see an amputee who was attractive and looked great? Why should you turn your head away? And furthermore, why isn't this person supposed to be attractive? Clearly there is a barrier between people with disabilities, especially amputees, and those who feel themselves attracted to them and want to know them better, and vice-versa. That is blatant prejudice and it needs to change—which is why Markus (last name withheld) designed Ampworld.de, a site dedicated to changing how people fetishize amputees.

GERMANY - HOW MANY BABIES DOES BERLIN NOT WANT?

The crisis, the fucking crisis, over and over. Now it’s come to the point where they had to close down a dog hatch (basically a McDrive, except that it’s the other way around and the critters are still alive) they just opened in Dallgow-Doberitz because the animal benefactors couldn’t accommodate the masses of dogs people wanted to get rid of. But what about children? I mean the human kind. Who cares about them? 

BERLIN - A PORN STAR IN WESEL ISN'T REALLY INTO IT

Wesel is about as jerkwater as it gets. It’s not only one of the most boring towns in Germany, it also doesn’t seem to ever produce any news that is NOT related to sex. It seems like the people there care so little about anything that they don’t even give a damn about an ex-porn star becoming up for election "against her will..."