MELBOURNE - RUINS TO PLAY FORUM TONIGHT

The grim lords of Tasmania, better known as Ruins (not be confused with the Japanese band of the same name) have been creating a dark cloud of fierce black metal for well over 10 years now. They share members with technical death metal gods Psycroptic and have had album covers designed by Lorenzo Mariani, better known for his work with Darkthrone. With a new album out and world domination on the horizon, Alex Pope sheds some light on the morbid creation he calls Ruins.

AUSTRALIA - FALLS FEST SIZING UP AS A MUCH BETTER OPTION THAN BEING STUCK IN TOWN SLIPPING AROUND IN BROKEN GLASS AND VOMIT WITH A ZILLION SPIKY HAIRED POLO SHIRT WEARING COCKS

The Falls Festival has just announced its first round of acts and already it's looking pretty awesome because King Kahn and The Shrines are headlining. Now, if you don't know, King Kahn is the newest Vice Records signing and they're ridiculous live. Add to that the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Major Lazer, Grizzly Bear and Midnight Juggernauts and you've pretty much got enough great music to fix what has so far been a pretty shitty year (seriously, what is with it?).

So if you can think of a better way to ring in the easiest to say year since 1990 good luck to you. Otherwise, burn these details into your memory now.

MELBOURNE - SYDNEY NEEDS YOU (DON'T HATE BECAUSE WE'RE BEAUTIFUL)

While you guys down in Melbourne have PBS, RRR and even JOYFM (if you're a bender), Sydney is struggling to hang on to its best independent community radio station, FBI. Is this a big deal?

MELBOURNE - PARTY WITH THE ANIMALS

Every Thursday night in February there will be bands playing live at the Melbourne zoo. The shows are all-ages and you can BYO your own booze. Whoever came up with that idea is a brave soul or has never mixed nature with alcohol before.

For example, the last time I went to the zoo I was very, very wasted. It was during the Black Lips tour and a few days after our Christmas party and no one around the Vice office had been getting much sleep. We decided to take the band to zoo and film it for a VBS.tv segment. We had good intentions but once we realised you can buy beer at the zoo things disintegrated pretty quickly. Basically the day turned into gag after gag about spotting Beth Ditto in the bushes. Perhaps these bands will be better behaved.

MELBOURNE - WEIRD FASHION SHOW

I'll get to the point quickly cause this opens tonight. What we have here is a fashion and costume show at Bus Gallery featuring some of our favourite Melbourne artists (with some Sydney-siders and foreigners thrown in, presumably to guarantee at least some colour other than black). Curated by Patrick O'Brien, the participants are: Oliver Hextall, Alex Vivian, Fjorn Butler, Alexander Ouchtomsky, Sean Bailey, Kiki Ando (Japan), Harriett Morgan, Evergreen Terrace, Sally Blenheim, Hyper colour castle, Thomas Bernard (France), Circle Pit (Sydney), Dell Stewart, Tin and Ed,  Jarrah de Kuijer. Since there's not a fashion designer in sight it should actually be good.

SYDNEY/MELBOURNE - JAY REATARD AND NO AGE SIDESHOWS

If you’ve sustained one too many kicks to the head “moshing” at “rock and roll concerts” to remember, Jay Reatard and No Age are playing in Sydney on Thursday night and Melbourne the night after. If you’ve sustained zero kicks to the head and would like to, these boys may be able to help you with that as well.

Check out No Age on VBS's Practice Space here.

Jay Reatard and No Age Laneway Festival Sideshows:

Thursday, Jan 29 – Gaelic Club, Sydney w/ The Disbelievers and Naked On The Vague

Friday, Jan 30 – Corner Hotel, Melbourne w/ Deaf Wish and Pets with Pets

Tickets available at moshtix.com.au

MELBOURNE - NICE NOISE

The wonderful thing about Maximum Arousal events is that you can trust them. You know that even if what you see at their nights aint your favourite blend, it'll still be a good cuppa tea.

I'd never heard of Oscar Vincente Slorach-Thorn until today and, judging from his MySpace, not many other people have either. But since he's playing this week's Maximum Arousal I figured he'd probably be all right, which indeed he is.

He's launching his first solo album at Toff in Town this Sunday December 14th. His sound ranges (from what I listened to on MySpace anyway) from abrasive rumbling to soft tinkering but like the best experimental music, there's something beautiful hidden under all the layers and loops. Aahhhh.

Supporting Oscar are fellow Arousal-ites Anthony Guerra (Japan), Witness Girl and Oranj Punjabi. Not quite sure who they are either but no doubt the above theory will also apply. Thank you weirdos.

Sun Dec 14, 8pm, The Toff, 252 Swanston St, Melbourne, $10

VICE KILLED SUMMER - BOAT PARTY

We had a party on a rickety, two-story boat called the Lady Wakehurst in the Sydney harbour last night. Parties on boats are essentially glorified lock-ins (which are already amazing) and unless you're prone to sea sickness, it's almost impossible not to have an awesome time. Japanese Motors killed it with their set and the night ended with everyone on the dance floor banging on the (incredibly low) ceiling for more. Unfortunately, towards the end of the night, some asshole threw a chair overboard, thereby pissing off the captain and ensuring an end to proceedings.

We're still getting all our shots together but the enterprising young photographer behind the Life Without Andy blog sent us his pics from the night which are really great. We'll be posting ours on the Vice Photo Blog tomorrow but in the mean time, you can check these out.

Thanks to Anon for all their support.

AUSTRALIA - JAPANESE MOTORS DOWN UNDER

Everyone's favourite new band, Japanese Motors, has just landed in Australia. The guys are surfers from California and the latest band to sign to VICE Records. Right now they're somewhere out in Mordialloc playing an instore for a bevy of pre-pubes, before heading back into civilistion to play our Melbourne VICE Kills Summer Party. They'll be heading further up the coast over the next few days to play the Sydney party, before reaching their final destination of New Zealand.

The band's debut album has just been released in Australia and the latest single "Single Fins and Safety Pins" is getting everyone's attention. Summer just officially started. Bikinis please.

Japanese Motors' debut self-titled album is out now on VICE Records. Do yourself a favour.

MELBOURNE - GOD IS IN TOWN (PATTI SMITH TAKES OVER MELBOURNE)

Last time I saw Patti Smith live I was 16, on top of a garbage bin above a sea of fairy wings trying to keep my balance while having a head full of acid. It was my first Big Day Out and sadly, I was more excited about the hearing The Prodigy do "Firestarter" than I was about the bedraggled 'legend' singing about cannibals and people power. Teenagers are arseholes. Thankfully I'm now a decade wiser and this time I'm so excited about seeing Patti Smith that it's all I can think about. If you're smart you would have bought tickets to her concerts at the Melbourne International Arts Festival months ago. If you didn't, too late cause all of the ticketed Patti Smith events are sold out (including her performance with Philip Glass and all the screenings of the new documentary Patti Smith: Dream of Life) so I won't say anything more about them. But someone at the festival was nice enough to make sure there's a couple of free Patti events on for the poor and disorganised.