SCANDINAVIA - COOKING BLOOD

You know that warm, bubbly, oozing red stuff that squirts out of the slit throat of an animal while it dies a slow and painful death? Swedes make soups, puddings, and pancakes with it, and it’s totally legit. Fair enough that the practice of eating blood is held over from the days of starving peasants having to use every part of their recently-slaughtered animal, but—and running the risk of sounding like a backwards-ass Christian—where I grew up in Sacramento, California, and in most other places, the act of eating blood is looked upon as a total sin. To quote the bible, Genesis 9:3: “Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything. But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it.” In other words: it is FUCKING GROSS to pig out on blood.

NEW YORK - JIZZ (T)ISSUES

A few years back Neil LaBute wrote a short story about a racist guy who shits in a coworker's desk for our inaugural Fiction Issue. That was pretty great, because as fiction, it means it's not true. What's not pretty great is that today I arrived at the VICE office and opened the drawer of my filing cabinet to find a bottle of Lubriderm and what appeared to be three jizzed-on tissues. I'm all for pranks, and while I definitely "LOL'd," I started thinking about something: Unless someone went to the trouble of finding an adhesive that looked like fake cum, some guy in the office actually waited around till everyone left last night, went into the bathroom (I sure fucking hope he wasn't sitting in my black mesh task chair), and stroked a load or two into some FluffOut Facial Tissue^TM. While the end is funny, the means are just sad. I hope you enjoyed yourself, anonymous masturbator. 

ROCCO CASTORO

VIENNA - AUSTRIA GETS ITS HANDS ON A JAPANESE SEX TOY

My hands were wet when I opened it. They would not remain the only wet things on this certain evening! Japanese sex correspondent Fu Tsueng brought a new toy back from the land of endless possibilities: the Love Cup. It's a small pink can into which I had the honor to have a wank.

NEW YORK - HEY GUY, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TOTAL COMPLETE SLOB?

I sat down with my buddy Nick, who lives upstairs in my house, and asked him why he's such an appalling slob. He is pretty much full of shit because I doubt he takes anything out in three days like he says in the following interview, and I promise you Febreze doesn't cover up the smell of garbage. His room usually kind of smells but he does keep it in his room, so I guess I can't complain that much...

AUSTRALIA - PREVIEW OF A BAD TIME

With the Gorilla Biscuits Reunion tour hot on the heels of many a rabid and positive Australian, I'd like to quickly like to bring something to your attention: the worst idea on earth. Here we have a video clip of Walter Shreifels (Gorilla Biscuits, Quicksand, Rival Schools) doing an acoustic rendition of the Agnostic Front classic "Society Suckers." The raw emotion and lithe tunefulness of this cover conjures up images of what Madball would sound like if frontman duties were shared by Kimya Dawson and Lamb Chop the sock puppet. We just thought we'd throw this out there before you pay actual money to watch several grown men get onto a stage and perform songs that were written in vegan carbohydrate coma at the age of 16. May we suggest as a viable alternative staying in and attacking your genitalia with a tack hammer. OK, as you were.

LONDON - BLOWHOLE NEWS

Have you ever wondered what kind of gnarly shit comes out of a whale’s blowhole? Yeah, we haven’t either. But some pervs at Zoological Society of London figured out how to breathalyze a whale’s head sphincter via mini chopper. “They’re just so big and in the water all the time,” a marine scientist involved in the project complains—how else are they supposed to find their answer but to build an aircraft to hover over the animal and wait for it to spew? Out of curiosity, we decided to research what, exactly, comprises the spew (it’s water, germs, and “secretions” from its respiratory tract), and in the process found some questions that intrigue us more…

LONDON - BABY FOOD CONDOMS

We get sent a lot of free condoms here at Vice. It's pretty good because it saves us having to go to Boots to buy some off a woman in a hijab whose facial expression during the whole ordeal is 50 per cent mortified and embarrassed, and 50 per cent like she is picturing your body slowly burning in hell as you scream for the excrutiating pain to end. But today we got sent some condoms that were just not cool. I mean seriously not OK. We got sent condoms with "baby food" written on the front, which means they are baby food flavoured condoms, which means they are condoms that encourage babies to give you blow jobs. That is disgusting and totally illegal. In celebration of Guy Fawkes Night we will be strapping this packet of depraved paedophilia aids to a massive Roman candle and watching it explode into a million pieces in the sky over London.

SYDNEY - WHISKEY BUSINESS

Everyone's favorite psychedelic cowboys, the Whiskey Go Gos are headlining the Annandale Hotel this Sunday night to wrap up their national tour with the eighties rock legends The Angels. Drain the kegs, lock up your daughters, raid your sisters wardrobe for shoulder pads and be ready cut the noose loose. Don't miss these good old boys.

3rd AUGUST 5-LATE
THE ANNANDALE HOTEL
17-19 PARRAMATTA ROAD, SYDNEY
$5 ON THE DOOR

MELBOURNE - GAY MEN NEEDED

Dear Gay Men of Melbourne, Australia,
You are needed to partake in an experiment of the utmost importance to mankind. This is finally your chance to give back to humanity with the simplest of tasks that you, yourself, hopefully perform daily with a loved one or friend. All you need is a penis, another man with a penis, the ability to chew and swallow kangaroo meat (among other things), and a positive and fresh outlook! If this sounds like it’s up your Hershey highway then please, for the sake of science, read on!

New York - Horse Love

Apparently now all it takes to create a documentary worthy of a premier at Sundance is a horse cock and a ruptured colon. Robinson Devor's Zoo is an examination of an Enumclaw man who took his love of all things equestrian straight to the grave, exposing a horse sex ring in the process...