HEY RON! - MY DAD SWIPED MY WEED

Trouble likes to present itself on Tuesdays, and Ron is always to the rescue like a superhero-cum-debt-negotiator-for-a-magazine come to life. He is all the courage a fretful teen needs to tell his dad he’s sorry for smoking marijuana. And that’s exactly what our problem is today. Keep reading for the resolution to this age-old dilemma.

HEY RON! - MY DAD'S A BIGOTED BASTARD

UH to the OH. This week Ron tackles the one issue that’s usually off-limits unless your father is an insufferable loudmouth who can’t be told he’s wrong. That’s right, we’re talking about politics, specifically the kind that makes people march up and down the streets of DC because they don’t want poor sick people to get well. Keep reading for the TRUTH.

HEY RON! - MY GIRL'S A FLIRT

Yesterday the internet was having a bad day. It was tired and crabby and needed its diapey changed. So we put it to bed early and today's it's been on its best behavior, so now we're all set for Ron to tell this guy how to get his girlfriend to stop batting her eyes at everything wearing human flesh.

HEY RON! - MY BENDER WRECKED MY PARENTS' FENDER

Tuesdays have an 80 percent chance of sucking, according to one informative mathematician in the office, and that’s precisely why we like to perk up the second crappiest day of the week with a little bit of Ron. Today’s plight was sent in by a young man who threw a party at his parents’ house when they were out of town and totaled his mother’s car in the process. Oops!

HEY RON! - HOW DO I GET THE CRAZY CHICKS OFF MY SACK?

Hey, we weren't bullshitting you. If we select your question, you get a free Hey Ron! t-shirt that you can't buy in stores, on the internet, or even on the black market (get it?). The sizes, however, are limited so if your entry gets picked and you ask for a certain size and it's too small or too large, don't whine about it not fitting right like the winner from last week did. Know what else isn't fitting right? Today's seeker and nice girls; he keeps attracting shitty ones. But Ron sets him straight...

HEY RON! - I DON'T HAVE HERPES BUT I HAVE A BIG PROBLEM

Uh-oh! We had a flood of questions for Ron after we advertised that the asker of each selected question would receive a free Hey Ron! t-shirt. Are you people really that easy to manipulate? We guess so, and that's why we'll be continuing the free t-shirt deal from here until we decide you don't deserve them. Speaking of manipulation, this week's dilemma involves a guy, the woman he wants to bone, and the conniving friend who snatched her snatch by claiming that his buddy had a virus that rhymes with "Slurpees."

HEY RON! - HOW DO I LOOK GOOD FOR A BEATING?

We have a sort of complex and slightly confusing inquiry this week, but of course Ron is here to clarify and rectify the shit out of our troubled young soul. Our questioner wants to know how he can get spiffy for a night out at the club AND wishes to get some tips from Ron about how to prepare himself for both assaulting and being assaulted, should either case arise. That's a lot to ask in one sitting, but Ron's got it covered.

HEY RON! - STRETCHING THE DOLLAR

The Hey Ron! mailbag's been getting too heavy with the same questions Ron's already answered about degenerate landlords and bum roommates and shady friends. Most of life's problems boil down to a lack of swaddling in the dollar's cushy papoose, so we're taking a little time-out to present Ron's top tips for keeping the bacon on the pig. Take it away, Ron...

HEY RON! - MY FUTURE WIFEY MIGHT BE A PORN QUEEN

Holy fucking guacamole! This installment of Hey Ron! addresses a man who thinks he’s discovered that the lady he’s engaged to has sex on film for money. Ron sets our buddy straight and manages to teach us a thing or two about the ways of the heart in the process.

HEY RON! - DON'T EAT WHERE YOU SHIT

Being "laid off" is your free ticket to the funnest summer you're going to have in a long time. But what happens when you're fired, and solely because your boss is jealous of the inter-office trim you're getting? Ron's got the answer.