NEW YORK - AMERICAN STANDARD IS A SINK COMPANY AND A SHOW

I moved to New York two months ago and started interning for this photojournalist. I was his intern for about five hours, during which I helped him install a shelf and he bought me a juice to show his gratitude. Then he helped get me a job interning at Vice probably because I drink too much juice and it would start to add up. Anyways, I was reminding him to come to the Vice Photo Issue Exhibition at Spencer Brownstone and he told me about another photo show that's opening tonight for Christian Hansen and Peter Van Agtmael, two guys who traveled around the country together twice in a figure eight taking photos at places like the Idapalooza Fruit Jam Queer Music Festival, Mardi Gras, and Detroit. 

SNEAKY LEAF'S DIARY OF A DEALER - ASSHOLE STRIPES

I was strictly a consumer of weed for nearly 19 years before I became a weed hustler. In all that time, almost every guy or girl that I bought weed from was more or less an asshole. Still, I have a soft spot for all those people. Every prickly asshole has their charms. I’m convinced, however, that it doesn’t have to be that way, and I very conscientiously make a huge effort to be a very warm, friendly, honest, and ultra-respectful alternative to the hundreds of impersonal large slave delivery services. It helps that I genuinely like people, and most of my clients are people that I genuinely look forward to seeing. 

NEW YORK - MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL TONIGHT FOR JON WILEY

If you are looking for something to do tonight besides getting shitty for no reason you might consider something more do-goodlier like attending this benefit for Jon Wiley. He had some scary shit happen to him a couple months back--short version, he went to bed one night and then woke up the next morning partially paralyzed with MS. Since he's a touring musician (aka has no insurance until Obama steps it up already), this is extra special fucked. A bunch of his pals such as Adam Green, Chairlift, Lightspeed Champion, and DJ Johnny Tropical are putting on a benefit for him to help with medical bills tonight at the Shank (more info with a click below). You aren't going to get health benefits staying in tonight but you could at least put on a facade of altruism to help out a neighbor. 

NEW YORK - THIS BUS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS

A few Vice staffers kept mentioning a graffiti-covered bus that's been parked around the corner from the Brooklyn office for the past month. We don't mean to be total dicks about it, but the thing looks like something the cast of Fraggle Rock should be driving. Everybody knows that hippies are the closest thing to real-life Muppets, so we sent an intern down the road to see if some Phish fans mistook the intersection of N. 14 Street and Nassau Avenue for Haight-Ashbury.

ANDREW W.K'S NEW KIDS' SHOW

Sitting at my day job wishing I was a kid again so I could be a contestant on a new show on the Cartoon Network is a new high for me in the wasting-my-life stakes. Fuck you Andrew W.K.

SNEAKY LEAF'S DIARY OF A DEALER - PUSSY ON THE BRAIN GIVES ME RED-ZONE PAINS

Every time you smoke a joint of sensimilla, you’ve got pussy on your brain! The resin female plants excrete is their sex juice, and these lovely ladies can reproduce from almost any point on their body. I know this is super basic shit that just about everyone who’s ever taken a bong rip knows, but it leads me to an important pair of questions: Is this why the clientele of almost every weed dealer I know is predominately male? And is the copious amount of marijuana I ingest the reason why I’m willing to bend the rules and deliver my goods to women who live in extremely dangerous “red zone” areas? We’ll probably never know for sure, but what I am certain of is that New York’s high-volume drug business means that these red zones can be found in every borough of this heavily policed city.

NEW YORK - VEGEMITE VS. MY HANGOVER

An Australian friend of mine just brought me this “Snackabout” from her baffling homeland. It’s basically the Dunkaroo’s drunken, casually racist cousin. And while my friend readily admits that Vegemite is the foulest substance her countrymen put in their mouths outside of bugs, she also claims that it can kill the most crippling hangover with a single yeasty smear.

NEW YORK - "DON'T" IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

We always thought massage therapists enjoyed clocking free time at the food co-op, doula class, restorative hatha yoga getaway, sensory deprivation tank, and any living room that invites exhaustive conversation about sexual politics, but a recent DON’T just showed up in the New York Times and boy, were our certainties askew. When not kneading trauma out of the erector spinae, this guy hangs out at the foot rails in bars stuffed into a homemade tube of rug. Apparently he finds that sort of intense pressing relaxing, just like a cow or an autistic child. It’s a good thing he decided to not show his face for this story, though. There are probably tons of 48-year-old Maltese immigrant massage therapists named Georgio T. in Fairfield County and he wouldn't want anyone knowing he's the one of the lot with the creepy fetish.

SNEAKY LEAF'S DIARY OF A DEALER - WELCOME TO NEW YORK, FUCKFACE!

It took less than a minute for two guys and their steel-reinforced Timberland boots to kick in my friend Marvin’s door. Neighbors said they both had handguns drawn and ready for a shootout if necessary. But whoever stormed in and stole a pound of weed and about 80 grams of primo hash probably didn't expect a fight because they knew Marvin and his schedule pretty well. These guys hit his place hard, exactly at the time he left every day to meet his girlfriend who worked in Manhattan.

NEW YORK - IT CAME FROM KUCHAR

Twin brothers George and Mike Kuchar are the type of guys who walk around with cameras permanently strapped to their bodies, documenting their own realities and creating alternate versions of it on a daily basis. They've been doing this since they were 12-year-olds. In the 60s, they shot miles of 16mm imagery-heavy film of the weirdo variety that stands up to anything that Warhol or Kenneth Anger committed to celluloid. Their output and is so great that we're not even going to try to explain what the fuck they've have been up to for the last 40 years, because this is the internet and your brain can take a trampling here and here. Think of those links as appetizers to the gluttony that will be going on tomorrow (Sunday, June 7) at NewFest where Jennifer Kroot's new documentary about the brothers It Came from Kuchar will be screening at 8 PM. You should come if movies with names like The Devil's Cleavage, Mongreloid, Tootsies in Autumn, and The Wet Destruction of the Atlantic Empire sound like a good time. Click through for the trailer.