LONDON - GET WITH THE KINDNESS

We know nothing about Kindness except that we love them. 

MEET THE NIERATKOS - LONNIE WON'T EAT SHIT

Last week I wrote about Lonnie’s Easter egg hunt. No one saw it because Vice is so hip they think things people spend an hour writing should only be visible to the web-viewing public for 1/4th that amount of time before being hidden away in the intraweb like the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones. It is beyond annoying and boy does it motivate me to keep writing this bullshit.

But I do it for Lonnie. Because Lonnie is a bright shining star just waiting to be discovered. Or at the least, waiting for lunch. Then supper. Then breakfast. Then repeat.

LONDON - JIRO & HIS JAR

Jiro, our friend, illustrator, and one half of Voodoo Village, claimed to be sick last week. We all thought he was just being a bit wet. But over the last six days he has accrued proof of his malady. By collecting (he debates that term) his mucus. We had an iChat conversation with him about it.

LONDON - SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS IS BULLSHIT

Ever since editing a piece about Dave Navarro swimming nude with dolphins in the Worst Issue Ever, I’ve always wondered what would it be like to rub my lithe, naked torso against the rubbery skin of the sea’s friendliest mammals. Last week I met a guy called Farik on a beach in Mauritius and he sold me a package tour that promised “Swimming with dolphins and barbecued lobster on an island,” so I signed up to it without thinking twice. Here’s what fucking happened.

DEAR VICE - AIRPORT HORROR

Dear Vice,
I was stuck in the Madrid airport with a bunch of lonely weirdos when they closed it on Friday. Honestly I took this photo because of her shoes and not because she’s boycotting the tampon machine. Still, it acts as a prescient reminder that Katrina-style social collapse could happen anywhere. If women kept in wait for a plane start pulling out their vaginal accoutrements within the first hour, then its no surprise that a marooned city starts killing itself.

PAUL GEDDIS

LONDON - THANKS FOR THE RECESSION, BOWIE

You know whose fault it is that you’ve had to move three Latvian haulage companies into your trendy East London warehouse space? Ziggy fucking Stardust that’s who. Yep, in the kind of wildly unpredictable move that has made finance such a giggle over the last six months, an expert has come out to blame David Bowie for starting the credit crunch.

NEW YORK - WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS TELEGRAPH THING

We get that British tabloids work differently than ours. Whereas the New York Post et al. are forced to make ends meet with cartoon speech bubbles and uncle-grade puns, English trash rags like The Sun and Daily Mail have a full arsenal of tits and swear words and even completely made-up lies at their disposal. And we like that. All that stuff is great, but it fails to explain what in the wide world of fuck is going on with this weird picture-story in today's Telegraph.

20JAZZFUNKGREATS - TELEPATHE AND DISMEMBERMENT

What better way to kick off the 09 than with a good dose of psychedelic mayhem? Transcend people, transcend.

LONDON - CRUSHED BY SHOPPING

It's an ugly way to die, poetically. To become an analogy that people use to illustrate how "Over-consumption" has lead to a "Crash", and then titter with glee at their own witty economic savvy. That's got to hurt. But not as much as being crushed to death by your own shopping.

 

UFO VERSUS THE SUN AND A COW SIZED ICE BALL

I am struggling to work out what I find most strange about the pulverisation of a wind turbine in Grainsthorpe, Lincolnshire. Off the bat I would say that the fact that the founder of Ecotricity, Dale Vince, approximates potential threats to his wind turbines in relation to farm yard animals? Maybe he just watched the cartoon adaptation of Animal Farm, that had me all lathered up about farms too.